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The Relationship Chronicles: Pondering THE QUESTION

I'm feeling a little cruddy from an exorbitant amount of time on my butt. I was at a wedding in Yosemite this weekend and had to drive back hungover to the Bay area super early to make my flight to NYC. Bless b-friend for his ability to go 90 MPH at just the right times.

The wedding was GAWGEOUS, as expected. A few sprinkles, a little nipply, but Yosemite is still amazing at this time of the year. The challenging part of the weekend was figuring out what to pack. The wedding wasn't casual, which added to the challenge. It's hard to look elegant in Yosemite. B-friend and I caught a few stares as we headed out of Curry Village--he in a pinstriped suit, and me in a sheer dress holding her boobs close, wearing hiking boots until I could change into my heels in the car.

This is our sixth wedding this year, and, unless there are any additional last-minute surprises, the last one of 2005. All of the weddings had their charms, all of them made me cry at least once, one got cancelled, one included their adorable little boy, one took place at a campground in Big Sur, one was in Puerto Rico (sadly I got sick and couldn't go to that one), one had a kick-ass ice cream sundae buffet and belly dancing. Two brides wore white; one wore red; one wore orange, one wore champagne.

Clearly all of them were quite different, though all of the ones b-friend and I were able to attend together were very similar for one reason--the Question. The question every unmarried couple who's in their late 20s or 30s and been together at least a year hears at a wedding: So, when is YOUR day?

The Relationship Chronicles: Thoughts from the Grateful Sex

Thanks for the wonderful responses to my post last week, Why Do People Bail?  I'm amused by what Ronni first noticed, that the responses were more from the victims of bailers than from bailers themselves. B-friend?... B-friend? Do you care to defend your people?

I had one of those faboo weekends--which included my first day in I don't know how long when I DID NOT WORK. We celebrated the birthday of a friend in her late 50s with a Crone Ceremony (hope that's the proper name), celebrating her wisdom and light. I'm putting that on my list of cool stuff I want to do when I'm in my 50s, next to own villa in Chianti and hire a personal masseuse. There was an altar in the middle of the room for objects representing my friend's past. I loved how women of all ages were in the room and equally moved by the stories. Women in collective appreciation is powerful, mascara-removing stuff.

B-friend came with me to the party, though the men had to be somewhere else during the Crone Ceremony. He was struck by the gifts that were collecting on the table.

"I thought we weren't supposed to bring any gifts," he said. That's true, but this was a woman-run show, meaning gifts are going to creep in. We women like to do that--give things.

The Relationship Chronicles: He Hates Me; He Hates Me Not

Yesterday was one of those "two ships passing in the house" days--when b-friend and I co-existed in the same living space without any touching or connecting. This happens from time to time, during "that time of the month." Not mine. His.

I remember recently receiving a slightly stinging backhanded compliment when he was prompted by something or other--a Tampax commercial, not sure what--b-friend turned to me and said. "Gotta give you credit, Jory, you aren't THAT bad during your time of the month."

It's true, my moods are not lunar like some women's. Even when I'm in a blue phase I tend to sulk more than snap. I suppose b-friend's comment was an acknowledgement of my even-keeled temperament. What irked me is that the statement failed to take into account HIS moodiness. I realized that we rarely address it--SOCIETY rarely addresses male moodiness. It's often given a different slant: Men aren't moody, they're not up for things. They're not interested. They want to be alone. They're hungover. But rarely are they moody.

The Relationship Chronicles: The ROI of Love (Afterthoughts)

I received a thought-provoking comment from Laura yesterday, regarding this post. It seems that her man/co-habitant/potential spouse ain't a fan of the proportional rule of household expense sharing. For those new to the conversation, the proportional rule is designed to allow domestic partners/spouses with different incomes to contribute proportionally to expenses. If you make 80% of what your partner makes, then your contribution is 80 percent of his/hers.

This concept sounds perfectly fair to me, and yet there are plenty of people on the higher-earning end of this arrangement who look at their cut of the expenses and think this is unfair. They may ask, "Why do I have to shoulder an extra $500 every month?" Doesn't seem right if this is an equal partnership.

I went to my self-help library and blew the dust off the bible of couple's finance, Suzy Orman's The Courage to Be Rich. I love her response to this argument.

The Relationship Chronicles: The ROI of Love

Back when I was still too young to date I saw an episode of the Cosby Show that still plays vividly in my mind. Bill Cosby has a discussion about money with his son, Theo. Cosby is trying to make the point that life costs money, and you have to earn at least what you spend.

Using a handful of bills Cosby takes away the ones in his son's hand while he ticks off the common expenses of adults.

"A nice car," Cosby says, taking away a bill.

"I'll take the bus," Theo says, taking it back.

The game continues in this back and forth manner until Cosby says, "You plan to have a girlfriend?"

"You bet," says Theo. At this, Cosby takes all of the bills out of Theo's hand.

I guess the joke was, women cost money. More generally, partnership costs money. There are certain unquestioned costs that you incur once you are in a relationship that you likely didn't when you were not in one. Currently I spend twice as much on food than I ever did when I was single, but that's what keeps the peace in my house. The companionship and good will--not to mention the home-cooked dinners--that result, ideally outweigh the expenditures.

The Relationship Chronicles: The Adjustment

I'm sure there's a much better name for this series than The Relationship Chronicles, but judging by current premium cable TV shows and wannabe books, it's cool to slap that word on the end of your project--Chronicles. It makes your work sound intentional, inspired, official. So until a better title comes up, I'll use this one for this series (or a blog or two) on being part of a couple.

Two Dorks in Tahoe: Scenes from this Weekend

Ok, so I need to do work that actually pays today. So I thought I would submit some vignettes from my weekend with b-friend in Tahoe. Thanks to the cool chick who lent me her house. You know who you are ;)