Life in Tight Jeans

Roughly 18 months ago I succumbed to H-band's wishes that I wear jeans "that fit." I had always been under the assumption that my jeans did fit. They didn't drag on the floor, I could zip them up, and I could eat copious amounts of food while wearing them without having to undo the top button.

"It looks like you have no shape," H-band said. "And you have a beautiful body."

I don't disagree with the notion of showcasing your assets in a way that accentuates them. I have broad shoulders and like to wear V-neck or boat neck tops. That doesn't mean I like to hike my rack up to my collarbone and create a mini-Grand Canyon with my cleavage. The jeans of this decade seem like the ones I tried on in changing rooms in the 80s and 90s and rejected come back to taunt me: You only thought you wanted that small pouch in back like the cool kids in 16 Candles. You used to toss me aside with those Wranglers and say you'd never wear anything so tight, but you were wrong! Now, if you can slip your comb inside your back pocket, you are a loozah!

I wasn't sure if H-band wanted me to better showcase my assets so much as he wanted me to showcase my ass. It felt a little too democratic to me: Is it really MY ass he wants me to showcase, or just a woman's ass, and he just happens to have some suggestive power over mine? Some of his suggestions feel like they are intended to make me look better or more stylish. But this suggestion felt more like he was asking me to dress up as someone else. Someone more screwable.

We grabbed a few pairs from the racks at Nordstrom. Citizen, Red Engine, Paige. What happened to Guess and Levis? I really missed Forenza. I looked at the waist sizes and began to put pairs back on the rack.

"What are you doing?" H-band said.

"Just looking at the sizes. These don't fit." I said.

"Will you just humor me, please? Take those back and let's see how they look."

It seemed a long process, having to prove something by cameltoe, but so be it.

The first pair was the largest, I put one leg through and immediately felt tightness around my thigh that made me question whether I would be able to get my leg back out.

"Too tight!" I said, wriggling my leg out and reaching for my roomier GAP jeans.

"No, no hun! Those were probably about right. Put them back on! Please ... put them back on."

As if to prove a point I wrangled my right leg back into the pant leg. Then the next one, then yanked them upward. I was wearing a denim girdle, and I hadn't even yet zipped the damn things.

"You see!" I said, about to take the jeans off. "I can't even zip these things!"

"You haven't tried," H-band said.

"Haven't tried! You can already see that I don't need to; these things are skin tight!"

"Exactly," H-band said. "Now just zip them up. ... Pleeeease?"

There was no way I could zip up these things without doing the top button first, which landed right above my pelvis, about three inches below the waistband of my Victoria Secret hipsters.

"Maybe we'll go to lingerie next," H-band said.

"Don't bother," I said. "They don't fit."

"Just try zipping them first."

I sucked in, "zzzt." "That was too short, hun. It should be more like a zzzzzzzzzzt, not a zzzt."

"Just look at yourself," H-band said.

I tried to mentally Photoshop out the waistband of my underwear and focused instead on my glutius maximus. I stood with my back facing the mirror, looking over my shoulder. The jeans were so tight across my backside that it pinched along the diameter of my booty. I had four buttcheeks.

"You look incredible," H-band said. "Though maybe that's not quite the right size."

"You think?" I said. Just then our saleswoman knocked on the dressing room door.

"Everything alright in there?" she said.

"Yeah ... looks like we need a few new sizes, though," I said.

H-band opened the door, and the saleswoman stared at my crotch.

"You pulled ones that were much too big," she said.

"Are you joking?" I said.

"Nope, look at this," she said, pulling the only fold of material that existed, at the top of my thigh. "You shouldn't have any bunching here. These stretch out a lot. You'll end up swimming in them." She left to get a pair two hip sizes smaller. H-band seemed pleased.

"You really look great in jeans," he said. So I bought the next pair I tried on.

Since that day, the pair I bought have stretched out. I can now sit in them for prolonged periods of time, even plane trips. H-band says they look big on me, but then I wear my old pair on weekends, the ones that slouch off my hips and suggest that I might have some junk up front, and he gets off it.

On our next excursion, he convinced me to buy an even tighter pair, rationalizing that they wouldn't stretch out so much. The saleswoman at the boutique told me she has many pair like the one I was trying on and to trust her when she said that they stretch tons.

"Get something that feels too small," she said. I looked up at what must have been a picture of her young daughter and wondered, did she wear these jeans before or after getting pregnant? The pressure on my hips made me wonder if I was limiting my child-bearing capability.

We left with my husband insisting that I wear the jeans out of the store. I sat down, and the waistband tore into my stomach. I felt the edges of muffin tops at my sides. I wondered, how is it that jeans that are meant to make me look so skinny make me feel so fat?

"You look amazing in those," H-band said.

"They always stretch out," I repeated to myself.

Comments

[Joy]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry....

While I do understand where Jesse is coming from wanting you to always look cute and stylish, I as your mom, always think you do....ALWAYS. My bigger concern is that you are comfortable...and adorable, of course. If slender little YOU can be stuffed into something that produces 'muffin tops'.....think twice.

You DO have a beautiful little body honey....I'd really like it to stay that way....minus the pain. ~xo

[jen]

That's funny. I'm a stretch jeans kind of girl because of the differences in waistline size during any given month.

[Cynthia Samuels]

I totally get what you're saying and think you look gorgeous in almost anythinb, but as someone who just lost a LOT of weight, I'm at the opposite end. I want tight -- because I can. Aren't we all nuts??? Happy election day.

[Bihter]

Hi Jory,

Just wanted to say that I've started reading your blog. I'm wondering if you have heard about the book, "What Men Don't Tell Women About Business". I heard the guy (Chris Flett) on the Today Show and thought you probably have already heard of him. I'm wondering what your thoughts were. He seems to be really taking on the 'Old Boys Club". I just emailed him, but haven't heard back.

Anyway, keep up the great writing.

Best,

Bihter.

Having reached the age in life where I have to work twice as hard to look half as good in stretchy jeans, I found myself grinning as I read your post. Since I am not much of a shopper and receive generous hand-me-ups from my sisters who are a wee bit larger and much more cool, I'm usually wearing "last year's" jeans on the looser side, but I was recently encouraged to "buy a pair that fits." Apparently, the "correct fit" these days is as you describe--a denim "second skin" that one can only hope stretches as much as the real one. Thanks for the good humor:)

[karen]

oops, meant to sign that last comment:)

[Leslie M-B]

I say wear whatever you're comfortable wearing. I'm a looser-fitting jeans person, but then again, no one ever accused me of having a sense of casual style.

My one caveat: One should not have to shave or wax in order to wear jeans. :)

[Tracee Sioux]

Go to http://www.zafu.com/
You can enter your body info and the fit you want and it will search all the shapes and styles and return the ones to fit your body best.

I am a Lucky Easy Fit girl. They are expensive - but I just order them for $35 on ebay now that I know which ones are perfect.

[Bihter]

Hi Jory,

I've been doing some additional research on the author, Chris Flett, that I talked about on my last comment. His company is "GhostCEO" (www.GhostCEO.com) and his book is a bestseller. I found it on Amazon here. Anyway, he was in the NY Times last Sunday under the "Career Couch" and he makes reference to women's blogs like yours so I thought you might like to connect. I'd like to see you interview him and see what he's all about. I saw on another blog he was a guest blogger. His email is: chris@ghostceo.com

Best wishes,

Bihter.

[Margie]

Jory: Haven't checked out your blog in a while but so glad I did. This piece was hysterical! I love your writing. Hope you are well.

[lizriz]

A very late suggestion: American Rag in the juniors department of Macy's. Trust me.

[Lance]

Comment:I'll agree a woman looks good in tight jeans and a cute top but if it's a must that a woman wears tight jeans for her man then is he really worth having ??
Sure it feels good to have to work ones hand in to a partners back pocket but is it really a must to wear tight clothes to please someone else??
I could really care less if my GF wears tight clothes as long as she's comfortable and I enjoy being with her that's all that matters to me because if she's not comfortable then nor am I.

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