The Honesty Diet

No one likes to think of themselves as a liar. I always considered myself a straight talker. Someone who tells it like it is. When my husband tells me I embellish on my blog I tell him he just doesn't understand my angle. When I beat around the bush I like to think I am taking others' feelings into consideration. I have found it difficult to believe people may not understand what I am saying because I am not being clear. If you don't understand me, that's because you just don't get it, not because I am not being clear. But it's occurred to me lately: Maybe I'm not being clear. Maybe, gulp, I'm not being honest.

I have found it amusing listening to presidential debates and noting how words are chosen so carefully, too carefully. And while I love to point out how opaque people can be, I also find it disheartening how we, in general, are pressured to overthink, exaggerate, obfuscate, and purposefully divert people in order to win. I wish honesty was really valued in candidates, not illusions of honesty. Not relying on such things as the Straight Talk Express or stories of difficult childhoods to somehow prove we are what we are not.

I was compelled to read Stephen M.R. Covey's book The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything for a reason. I figured it was to validate myself; or because the author is the son of the bestselling author Stephen Covey, whose books I enjoy; or because I like business books. But could it be that I might have had some ulterior motives? Perhaps I, Ms. Straight Talker, have noticed some twists and turns in my communication patterns. Leeeeeetle white lies that crop up, leeetle breaches in integrity that I think about during my drives home and then ask myself, did you really NEED to say that? You could have just done THAT. A leeetle pressure that I suspect could be relieved by not having to hold down illusions?

Covey's book makes apparent the "tax" that you pay for breaches of trust. And he illustrates ways that we lie. Most of us don't internalize our lies as lies. We see them as buffers, expediters, strategic ways of positioning, protective measures. And yet, over time, they take a toll. Often they result in failures that can be blamed on something tactical, but actually the cracks formed quietly over time.

I've asked myself why I fall out of integrity sometimes. Why make something sound THIS big when it was just this big? Why not tell someone that they need to get their act together rather than get annoyed at them when they don't? Why assume that the truth won't cut it?

There are ways where I am extremely trustworthy. When I make a mistake that impacts someone else, I clean it up. Quickly. I don't let it fester and hope no one will notice. I fess up, tell you how I will fix it, and then fix it. I share with my colleagues context--even context they may not care to know--because by having it you know why decisions are being made and we can come up with solutions faster. I always tell others seeking business partnerships what I want, and why I may not want what they are proposing. Perhaps by knowing my thoughts we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.

But there are areas in Covey's book that made me think twice. Made me see where I could clean it up. I think that while I've been such a proponent of Transparency and Authenticity, Honesty has been more elusive. I've seen it as a luxury; something you can achieve only when you are at "X" point in a relationship: When you are married; when you are the boss, when you are speaking with a good friend, when you completely trust the person you are speaking to, when someone has "earned" it. It's something to be parcelled out carefully, not an end in itself. I've noticed that some people make telling the truth easier to do than others; they don't react or lash out when they hear it. Therefore those that do react, by extension, don't deserve it. Sometimes I see the truth like a splinter that finally comes out after prodding. If you don't ask me for the truth you aren't doing enough to get it.

Or, I assume that people just don't need to know the truth. This is the thinking that developed at age 6, when my Aunt asked me how I was, and I provided an in-depth account of my constipation. My Dad winced and said, "there are some things people don't need to know." In later years such things as feeling hurt or threatened were added to the list.

I've confused honesty with discretion: I'm not lying, I'm being "discreet".

I'm keeping my options open.

I'm minding my own business.

I'm sparing you the gory details.

Then there's space-filling dishonesty: I have nothing important to say, though it seems you want me to say something, so I will.

Then there's theoretical dishonesty: What I'm saying is, literally, true, but I know you aren't getting the full story.

I'm going to try something. Utter, tactful, honesty. Even if it means not having anything important to say. Even if it means hearing reactions, even if it's stressful, even if it's awkward, even if I don't have the right words and have to fumble around. Even if I seem incompetent, or mean. Even if I look like an idiot. Even if you think I'm lying.

I'll take notes if I have the nerve. 

Comments

[Denise]

Interesting post, Jory.

[Karen Sella]

Thanks for this courageous post, Jory. It is a great reminder for me about all the little ways we may erode our integrity and how important it is to be truthful.

[Karen Sella]

Thanks for this courageous post, Jory. It is a great reminder for me about all the little ways we may erode our integrity and how important it is to be truthful.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

This is a fabulous post. I am like this too yet I'm not sure I really realized it or saw it from this perspective before!

Steph

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