The New, New Suburban Yuppie Kiddie Party

I was staying at my sister Julie's in her new home in New Jersey, just a half-hour train ride from New York City. It was a Sunday, and my niece, Bella, had been invited to a birthday party of a neighbor's down the street.

"Let's get in the car, Bella," Julie said.

"Why does she need to get in the car?" I asked. "Isn't the party at the neighbor's?"

"Birthday parties are never at people's homes," Julie said. "They are usually at a venue. This one is at a pottery making shop. They'll do an activity for 45 minutes, have cake and water, and go home. We'll be there an hour and a half, two hours tops."

"What about presents?"

"You still bring them, but they are put in the corner and opened later."

I would appreciate this with a bridal or baby shower--avoiding the laborious gift-opening ritual. But something disturbed me about this updated version of the kiddie party--there was nothing kid-like about it. While kids may not like to sit through a present-opening, I believe I learned a lot about giving and saying thank you from birthday parties. Kids seem to be learning a new skill now: time management. Efficiency. How to engage others socially then run. With the next generation, could we lose the ability to be spontaneous and to just hang out?

My sister sensed my disapproval: "Well not every kid has our mother," Julie said. My mother was a mix of The Tooth Fairy and Mrs. Claus; she had the gene for throwing fun birthday parties and sending us to others' events with gifts that would elicit ooohs and ahhs. Friends' parents would hit her up with game ideas; our parties generated a certain inimitable word of mouth.

Julie had a point: Relegating gift opening until after the party removed the potential stigmatization of kids whose parents didn't have the budget, or the instincts, for buying cool gifts. And while our parties were undoubtedly the most fun, they weren't the healthiest:  my mother always made four times as many cupcakes as was needed, encouraging frosting sugar highs that lasted until the kids went home. As we got older and opted for the labor-intensive sleepover, Mom provided enough videos, snacks, and Fanta for a week of pre-adolescent debauchery.

I approve of the trend toward healthier food alternatives, and a craft "activity." But whatever happened to hosting kids in your home? To letting kids be kids? These scheduled events strike me as more like appointments than play dates. Who are the parties for? The parents, or the kids?

Comments

[Joy]

I miss those times...don't you Jor? We had some great fun, and I still believe there's nothing better than a good 'ol home party. It's a whole new world out there.

[jen]

Unfortunately I think we Aussies are going the way of the event. It's a way of not messing up the spotless home and having someone else think up the activities.

Re the presents, I was going to have my son open his later at his 5th birthday party, but he decided for himself that he would open then and there. That in itself takes up some time.

[Janeen]

I don't think it's fair to label this sort of thing as a suburban yuppie affectation. I'm a non-suburban single mom and am already exhausted enough (not to mention unable to keep up with the housework) without inviting 10 or 15 kids to my house. We've had some wonderful parties for my son at the Children's museum and a rock climbing gym, to name a couple examples. The kids have a great time, and yes, I get some much needed help with the party planning.

[Mike]

I thought it was about not having to clean a messy house more than being about not having to clean up after.

Which probably tells you a lot about the state of my house.

[Dawn]

I read a lot about how women are so much more stressed out and spread thin these days than they used to be. I can't really say I know because I just became a woman myself and don't remember those times past. However, this seems to be an example of how we're breeding this same manic, efficiency-maximizing style of going through life in the next generation. Every day is run by schedules and even children are feeling that impact. It's hard to operate when you're always on a deadline and become accustomed to thinking in 15 minute intervals.

[Mary Kay]

When your cousins were growing up, we had both some roller-skating, Chuckie Cheese, and at-home parties (we actually played drop the clothes pin in the bottle, and pin the tail, and it was outdated then but so much fun!) There sure are a lot more ideas out there now. I can see going out for them but I still think the gifts should be opened and Thanks said at the time of the party. I still have a picture of one of your mom's parties for you when you were about 5, all your little neighborhood friends. What cuties!
I sure miss those days!!

[Troy Worman]

My son Andrew will turn five in October, which means my family is a little more than a month away from our next birthday party extravaganza! I don't remember having any birthday parties. I'm not saying I didn't have any. I'm just saying that if I did, they weren't memorable. So, when my wife and mother-in-law started planning my daughter Julia's first birthday party I was taken aback by the extravagance. That was eight years ago. Since that time I have been to a couple dozen birthday parties, probably less than a third of the number my wife has attended, from swimming pools to playgrounds, from the beach to the bowling alley, from Pump-it-Up to the Alligator Farm.

That's right. Last year Andrew and I attended a birthday party for four year olds at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm. It was pretty cool. The highlight of the day was feeding time, featuring a half-dozen buckets of fresh quail and several tons of prehistoric predators. You might be surprised how quickly a fourteen foot long gator can move. Not many quail hit the dirt. Of course, the important thing is that all the kids had a great time, and more importantly, the party was just what the birthday boy wanted.

It has been my experience that this is more often than not the case--the child picks the party location and theme. Certainly, this is how it works at my house. In fact, my daughter's last birthday party was thrown in our backyard. We tie-dyed t-shirts, painted pots, planted flowers, and listened to the Beatles.

[Susanne]

I dislike the organized birthday party events that some parents are throwing for their children. Here in Germany that has been a recent trend but it's growing more and more. The mother of my son's friend (who then turned four) said, "It is so boring, doing the same thing over and over." Well, for her. At that time my son had been to a total of three birthday parties in his whole life and considered everything to be very exciting.

I plan to go the "invite a handful of friends to our house, make cupcakes and play musical chairs"-route for as long as my son and his friends enjoy it. Birthday parties don't have to be a competition.

[Stephanie]

My birthday parties were always during February vacation (in New England). My parents used it as a respite for the other parents dealing w/ kids home for a week: Cake and presents, then send the kids outside for 2 hours to play. Even if the snow was over our heads. We were pretty much thrown out while the grown-ups sat by the fire and drank. Ah, the 70s.

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