The Businesswomen's Guide to Wedding Planning, Rule #1: DELEGATE

This post will be short because I've just spent the last five hours on "wedding details." I did the same yesterday, knocking out the wedding schedule with B-friend, experiencing massive bouts of anxiety and striking out at him occasionally when he asked the same question more than once, or asked for clarification. I have no time for clarification, or personal hygeine, today. With one month left, I'm feeling the pressure.

Today we spent time figuring out possible attendance scenarios, since a number of people haven't replied to our invitations, we're trying to guesstimate. At the moment, I've tallied up the non-responsives as half people, to account for their purgatorious status. Unfortunately we have an odd number of non-respondents, and half people won't go over well with the caterer.

We're not blaming anyone at this point since many invitations went out late, and I'm hearing with irritating frequency how the Wedding Web page we set up at TheKnot.com has been mocking our loved ones. It decides when it wants to work, tells people who reply that they are not in the database, and basically pisses people off. I check in to see how many people have replied and see a surprisingly low number, then I count the "yes" replies myself and see that we have nearly forty percent more people coming as The Knot says we do. The Web project manager in me wants to draft a new workflow logic and send it to their CTO, but then I remember all of the other Shinola that I have on my plate and desist.

If my wedding were a business project I would call it a non-recurring expense and a significant drain on resources--the kind of project that could break a company that didn't integrate the monetary and psychological expense in its annual budget. I was the cocky, inexperienced CEO who threw out platitudes: Why wait to get married? We'll ALWAYS be busy! Our love can't wait! I am God!

The money part we struggled with early; now it's about time and staff. If there's one thing I'm told consistently by married friends it's get help--paid or volunteer--on the Big Day; neither I nor B-friend should be doing much thinking. I've heard horrible stories of brides trying to track down Grandma for pictures, or  walking down the aisle with the check to the caterer falling out of her brassiere. These are tacky and unfortunate circumstances, yet I don't know when was the last time I ever fully gave up control and asked others to take care of what I've mentally filed away as my business; perhaps it was two, maybe three decades ago, maybe around the time I was potty trained.

I made the mistake of assuming that having a small wedding meant exponentially reducing the planning, but with any group event there will always be a baseline of coordination. Normally I love coordinating; I sometimes dream about it. Some call this neurotic; I call it being inherently organized. This morning I awoke from a dream of being on a long journey, not unlike Frodo in Lord of the Rings--whatever it was I was carrying it was very important, and I needed to get it from one place to another, amidst horrible obstacles. At one point, I'm flying on some structure, and a bunch of people on rocket scooters are chasing me. Just as my pursuers are about to catch up, I remember I have this button on my console that propels me forward faster. This device fends off my attackers for a while, but then more of them descend upon me and attempt to pull me to the ground. I remember I have a whistle, which I blow, and then a bunch of human-bird hybrids similar to the Bird Men of Mongo appear and attack the people on scooters, freeing me up.

I wake up and say to B-friend: "I'm going to write notes to people asking for their help."

We'd sorted out duties for our friends the day before; the dream only cemented the need. I realized that the challenge in the dream was not overcoming the obstacles but REMEMBERING the resources I had that would free me up. I often forget them. I forget that the people close to me have hands and brains and know how to help. Most of them have already asked. 

After running around with extension cords at BlogHer and swearing that never again would I insist on being in control of everything at all times--a distorted reality, actually--I'm starting to understand the art of delegation. (Note I didn't say Master, just Understand).

I just emailed notes to friends asking for their help with a number of things. I also have a little side list of tasks that I won't officially assign but that I hope my friends and family will intuit that I need.

My unofficial list:

--Stress assessor: This person is tapped in and will hand me a glass of wine when necessary.

--Surrogate nag: This person, preferably male, will be with B-friend before the ceremony, during his planned "men's hike" and will bring him back to the tasks at hand: "Dude, maybe we should be getting back. The ceremony is starting in an hour." This person will remind B-friend of how much time things take, to ensure that B-friend budgets the time he needs to shower, shave, get dressed and apply deoderant.

--Mopper: Someone with extra tissues on hand, for when my mother starts crying.

--Child Wrangler: Someone armed with bunny crackers, who can bribe my niece during critical junctures of the day: pictures, walking down the aisle without distraction, keeping her dress clean before the ceremony, etc.   

--Human Clothespin: Preferably someone under three feet tall, who will hold my dress down if it blows in the wind, avoiding public viewings of my thong. (Mental note: Niece)

I'm still trying to figure out the full meaning of my dream. I choose to think that, whatever it was, I was carrying was a physical manifestation of something dear to me--my sanity.

Comments

[Joy]

You're more like me than I realized...Miss Organized! Along with that burden comes the stress....sorry. But, I know you guys are in pretty good shape at this point. We'll all be there to help...I got the e-mail...we're ready.

I love your "unofficial list." BTW...we DEFINITELY need a very reliable "Mopper." Thanks sweetie... Mom -xo-

[rosie]

somethings to consider...safety pins for hems that begin to fall, clips for the hair that may not stay in place, and baby wipes for the last minute wipe of hands and spots on dresses. Also, faith, joy, love and hope, and a huge hug from me.

[miffy]

LOL- You have no idea, Jory, how helpful this is to me...and, if I was 3ft or under, I'd volunteer too!
Delegation is an art. One I haven't even begun to UNDERSTAND! But I have a year, maybe I'll delegate the understanding.
xo
mif

[Mike]

It helped me stay sane during my wedding prep to think of it as just a party. Yeah, kind of a complicated one, and there was going to be a minister there, and, oh yeah, my whole life will be different after and ... no, it's just a party.

We went into the day with two goals: Christie and I had to be married by the end of the day, and we had to have the time and energy to relax and have fun with our loved ones. Anything that didn't advance those goals was jettisoned. We also jettisoned anything that threatened to drive either of us nuts before hand or bankrupt us after.

So we didn't hire a photographer (there were enough digital cameras snapping away that we have more pics than we know what to do with), and Christie wore a borrowed dress (in burgundy, no less). But she was beautiful, and we had a great time.

[genevieve]

Great to log in and see how you are getting on - don't worry, I have two cousins who are events managers and they both survived their weddings. Mike is right, though - I sang at lots of weddings when I was younger, and the happiest one I ever saw was a very laidback, family day with no hassles. It was truly extraordinary.
Don't sweat the small stuff, it isn't worth it. All flowergirls get food on their dresses at the reception, sometimes they even stall at the top of the aisle in the church too. Complicated party just about sums it up. You will have a great day and your life will be even better afterwards. Hurrah for you both.

[Giftpile.com Honeymoon Registry]

I love your "unofficial list." I would just add a few more wedding task force titles like:

:: After Ceremony Bouncer ::
Sometimes people just linger around at the church while family photos are being shot. They really need to get to the reception site. So this person would need to get people out of the church and make sure people had directions to the reception.

:: Superstitious King ::
Making sure the groom doesn't cross paths and accidently sees the bride on the day of their wedding and before the ceremony.

[catering]

Thank you so ,uch for bringing up those wish i also have a bestfriend like you so that on my wedding theres also had a taking care of me,like what you did to your b-friend.

winnie