"Oh don't be such a martyr!" my friend said when I told her I was thinking of not having a bridal registry, "You've bought gifts for other people for how long now? It's your turn."
I've written about getting what's due me in bridal booty by having a gift registry--fiance or no--by the time I was 35. Now that I'm in the position of being a socially-sanctioned recipient of bridal gifts I question the practice.
What the hell is going on?
Meanwhile, people want to give us stuff--engagement gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts. People feel badly for taking up my time, "when I must be so busy with the wedding!" People send me names of caterers, dressmakers, pastry chefs, even when I don't ask for them.
No one died; we're not incapacitated; nothing tragic or unexpected has happened, so the overly independent and disconnected part of me wonders, why do people care so much?
I think back to one of my closest girlfriends bemoaning her bridesmaid role in the wedding of one of her childhood friends. This friend wept when her wedding was over; she knew that her moment on a pedestal was over, and that, coming down, she would have to take her first step into the ashy ruins of her closest relationships. She'd forced her friends and family into obligatory pre-wedding meetings, into shared hair and makeup appointments so they matched her ideal as closely as possible. She was cold and terse to those who didn't comply at any point during her premarital bootcamp, trampling on years of friendship--in heels no less.
I vowed that if I ever got married that I would never put people out that way. I would never drain them of their time or resources. I didn't realize that keeping to my promise would have meant remaining single all my life.
I'm seeing yet another layer of concern underneath my more obvious issues with marriage. Sure, weddings are costly; sure, we heap a lot of false meaning onto them. But in having them we are forging a space for ourselves. The question I've had about marriage is so much different than I thought it was. It's now ... it's really ... Do I think I'm worthy of taking up space?
This question sounds absurd to anyone who knows me. Since I was old enough to speak I've been a glutton for attention. Being an identical twin I might as well have been wearing a sign that said, "Look at me!" I learned from an early age to be comfortable with being looked at and being prepared for attention. But wielding attention and getting it unconditionally are two separate things. Being noticed is different than being known. Knowing you're accepted is different than finding yourself acceptable. If I wasn't entertaining or somehow making the time I was given valuable to others I wanted the spotlight removed immediately. Let me be needy in the dark, please.
My mantra in adulthood was never to put anyone out. Dad was nice enough to give me a ride to the airport when I graduated from college early to start my career in New York.
"If you need money, don't ask," my Dad told me (I love to tell that story, more to prove that I managed on my own). Mom sneaked me funds in the mail, not because I had asked but because I hadn't and she worried that I wasn't eating. I appreciated the money but I felt like I was cheating. I was supposed to make it on my own. It was my decision to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, making an inadequate salary. Why should I expect handouts? I had no right to these extras. I never attended my college graduation. My parents did enough to help me through college, why drag them out for more? People look at me with pity when I tell them that we didn't celebrate, but it never occurred to me that anyone in the family would want to.
I used to crack jokes that I couldn't get married because my family might not be able to make it. It's not really a joke. Most of the people in my immediate family are not big travelers, except for my twin sister Julie and me. Julie married a South African and lived in Minnesota at the time, but still, she had the wedding 10 minutes from my parents' house in Chicago, and the South Africans flew in. I'm sure this was arranged in large part to not put out anyone in the immediate family. I figured I'd made my bed by living in California--how could I make people fly across the country? At the very least I should have a hosted bar. A friend told me she'd been to a destination wedding that requested no gifts, since people had flown so far for the ceremony. I started to pore over the additional mileage we were imposing on each guest by having ours out so far when B-friend interjected, "Enough already," he said. "Let's set up a registry, and people can give if they want to."
Houseware hopping was not as fun as I thought it would be back in college, when I vowed to scrape the Crate & Barrell catalog of every plate and glass I could find should I ever decide to get married. For one thing, my taste has changed. And if I'm still concerned about having all the "right" stuff, I'm more practical about it:
"I like this flatware. Let's put it on the list," I said. It was nice but not the most expensive available.
"We already have flatware," B-friend said.
"Honey, this is a wedding registry; we can get nicer things."
"What's wrong with my flatware? I got it at Macy's!"
"Nothing's wrong with it hun. It's very nice--for a single person. But once we're married we have to use heavier stuff, you know, for when people come over."
It's practically proof that you're married--nicer housewares. Those cruddy pots and pans that you bought at Target no longer cut it; you have to start cooking on All Clad or Caphalon. You have to start reading the care instructions on your dishes before washing them. As I wrote down the style number B-friend quipped, "That could go to our hotel in Belize."
B-friend got more into the spirit of registry shopping when we walked into Williams & Sonoma, and my issue with worth began to poke through.
"An espresso maker!" he said. "I want that on the list."
"Hun, we don't drink espresso."
"I thought you said we could put down things we wouldn't normally buy."
"Yeah, but not things that look like something Willlie Wonka would use."
"Well, if someone wants to get it for us I won't stop them..."
"Three hundred and sixty-five dollars! Absolutely not!"
It's surprising: We went to three stores and walked out listing very little that we'd want. Most of it we have, or we realized it would complicate our lives--I don't have enough time to BUY bread, let alone MAKE it, why get a bread maker? Or we figured we didn't know enough about our future situation to list things like patio accessories when we have no patio, or--well, some of the nicer things we saw were just too much to ask for. We ended up listing a few items, and we'll make clear that we'll take donations toward our Honeymoon. I feel a bit cheesy about taking micropayments, but felt it was preferable to B-friend's suggestion that we ask people to commit to full airfare for two to Latin America.
"Though you never know, someone might want to pay for all of it," b-friend said.
I know he's right, I don't know to what extent people would be willing to contribute to our Honeymoon. I know that I make these assumptions based on previous issues of my own. But at least I know that if someone were now crazy enough to pay for it in full, I would utter profuse thank yous, fly to Belize, book a full body massage, and not look back.
I got married relatively young (25), and while I think I wasn't a Bridezilla, I know I made a few decisions that I regret.(Fortunately, Kyle isn't one of them!). The worst was choosing the wrong person as my maid of honor.
I have to admit that we did register - mostly with my mother's encouragement - but we did not advertise our registry and only provided it to those who asked (which, these days, is EVERYONE).
Some choices were good ones - we still use the same dishes (from Crate and Barrel) and have replaced several cups and bowls and plates that have broken.
Ironically enough, the item we've used the most is our breadmaker! Kyle makes pizza dough with it at least once a week.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | July 16, 2006 at 05:42 PM
OMG, Jory, this is hitting me so hysterically. I finally went to register and had to leave the store. Not sure if it was menopausal hot flash or hypoventilation!!! Anyway, I returned with my best friend, who will be celebrating her 30th anniversary a week before my wedding day. She was just the support I needed! 300 items later, we decided she needed a bridal shower too! Thanks again Jory, I am so enjoying your words. Glad your dancing before me
Posted by: miffy | July 17, 2006 at 09:26 AM
Found you by way of Grace Davis's blog...
We did not register when we got married for exactly the same reasons you are mulling over here.
We have no regrets about it--we got some really fun and creative gifts, everything from an original painting to a camping tent. My brother's wedding gift to us was building us a fence. The "no registry thing" really threw people for a loop, but they had fun with it! We're glad we did it that way, but I completely understand the reasons for registering, too.
Posted by: Stefania Pomponi Butler/CityMama | July 17, 2006 at 03:32 PM
Jory, 2 things:
I didn't attend my university graduation either because I didn't think anyone else would want to attend. In retrospect I realise that mum would have liked to come, that she was very proud of me. I'm the only one in our family to have a degreee. Mind you I was on a plane that day on my way to change my destiny!
Lots of my friends getting married recently have just requested money towards new kitchen, renovations, holidays etc. Why not ey? It takes the stress out of buying something if there's no registry.
Posted by: jen | July 17, 2006 at 04:48 PM
As a guest or shower invitee, I always appreciate knowing where someone is registered, because my taste and gift-giving judgment is kind of er, questionable. This way, I know that what I give will be appreciated. As someone who was a bride with very little money at the time, registering for the gifts I wanted was a boon. We're better off financially now, but I still can't justify buying that kind of stuff when the kid always needs something. So I'm glad we got it way back when as gifts. (And don't get me started on baby showers -- the greatest innovation of western civilization. You CANNOT waffle about that, when the time comes.)
Posted by: Donna | July 18, 2006 at 04:01 PM
Sweets - when my beloved and I got engaged (I was 30, he 38) we merged well-stocked kitchens, and this fact was well known by dear culinary club friends. One of the friends grabbed me for a congratulatory hug and whispered in my ear (in NO uncertain terms) "Do me a favor - REGISTER, I do not want to guess at what you NEED." And we did need a few bits and bobs, and we were hoping to replace our favorite spatula with the burnt and broken handle (the one that was just too perfect for pancake flipping) - so we registered in a range from $2 (you don't know it - but you need the OXO pan scrubber) to the "not china" china at Williams Sonoma. We didn't need any Calphalon saute pans - we had them already, but we did need really good dish towels (12 years later, the good ones are still going strong).
SHORT VERSION: A registry is not just "gimme, I deserve, I want" (well maybe a little) but it also helps your near and dear present you with something that you need, fill in the gaps as it were.
BTW - if you register for ugly stuff, peeps are always free to shop "off registry" - so register away without guilt! (But be practical!)
Congrats!
Posted by: lorimagno | July 19, 2006 at 11:27 AM
Hey, congratulations!!! Yeah, there is something to be said for placing a big bag at the end of your wedding party table marked, "Insert Cash Here Now, or No Cake for You." Then again, a little All-Clad never hurt anyone.
Or both. Hmmm, here's a wedding registry idea for W-S, Crate and BBB ... a 2-quart All-Clad saucepan, filled with tens and twenties. Have fun with it.
Posted by: robert | July 25, 2006 at 08:09 AM
Donna is right. A registry is the only thing standing between you and the most God-awful presents imaginable because someone just couldn't think of what to get the couple who has everything. We had to combine 2 adult households too and it was tough. But there were a few things that we didn't have and I am so glad we registered for them. You can't go wrong with the flatware that you like. Trust me on this one.
Posted by: Kristen | July 28, 2006 at 02:39 PM
That whole attitude of "let's ask for it when we don't need it" is SO out of touch with the needs of the world, beyond novacaine-saturated USA suburbia!
I have seen at least a few people who already have the "stuff" they need do a registry thing where charities benefit.
Come ON America, snap out of your selfishness!
Posted by: paul merrill | August 06, 2006 at 11:12 PM
I actually found interesting wedding gifts myself such as Atomic Clocks. I know it's not the usual types of gifts you send or receive during weddings but they're trendy and unique.
Posted by: Shawn | June 16, 2007 at 07:24 PM