I overheard B-friend on the phone with someone the other day:
"How many people do you think will fit on the roof garden?...Kay...Kay...Is it bring your own or do you provide wine?"
Alas he's taken a hand in our wedding research, something I've promised to do when I had a free moment and haven't done yet. I got ambitious a few weeks ago and sent inquiry emails to a bunch of places I found on the Here Comes the Guide site, and received information on venue availability, but I've done nothing since then.
B-friend said, not so subtly, "I'm kinda surprised, Jor, I thought you might be one of those types that would want to take control of the wedding details."
"And what type would that be?"
"The female type."
I suppose I'm against type. I don't enjoy event planning, even if it's for my wedding. There are aspects to it I can stomach, but there's this other party that I'm helping to plan--a sponsored one at that--and it's awfully hard scraping up the gumption to plan another one.
Does this make me a bad person? Or a bad wife?
A friend sent me a stack of wedding magazines "to give me ideas". I haven't been able to go through them--I tried, but I made it to the first ad and put the magazine down. I don't want it to start; and I'm not sure what "It" is.
I was told once that procrastinators are actually perfectionists in disguise. They know how emotional they get when they can't have something perfectly their way. Since I can't fly friends and family to California, or shell out $200 a plate I just say to hell with it and push it to the back burner. I know this is partially true.
But what's the aversion to looking at wedding cakes and bands that know "Shake Your Groove Thing" cold? Why is anything remotely conventional distasteful to me--not when I'm thinking of others' weddings--just mine.
My neighbor Britt Bravo recommended a great book, The Conscious Bride. She told me to read it because it deals with some of the underlying emotional issues women deal with during the wedding planning phase. Says the author, Sheryl Paul (From The Conscious Bride Wedding Planner),
"Though there's a lot of information and assistance out there for the important practical work we must do to create our wedding day, we live in a culture that does not prepare us for the emotional tasks, or even inform us that they exist. From the time we are young we are inundated with images of the "perfect" wedding, and when the time arrives to plan the big day we find ourselves bombarded with endless details that are supposed to aid us in manifesting this perfection. Yet somewhere we know that perfection is an impossible ideal. And somewhere we know that there are other matters that need to be addressed. While the planning elements can be a special part of your day, they only make sense if they are aligned with your reasons for marrying and the values that you hope to incorporate into your marriage."
Friends have asked me if I was happy to be engaged. Sometimes I must admit my excitement seems to be on simmer rather than the rolling boil we often expect from women who have willingly pledged to commit a lifetime to someone. "Of course," I always say. But I do feel a sense of restraint, and it has nothing to do with B-friend and everything to do with me.
Some young women dream of celebrity-style weddings; I always dreamt of a different form of bliss--a security, a place of knowing how it would all turn out before going in. My husband to be would be ensconced in a career of his own, and so would I. We'd have no worries about catering costs and venues that wouldn't let us bring our own booze. I would find the most beautiful place and we'd have the wedding there, no questions asked.
B-friend just finished his grad program and is starting his new job in June--he's followed through on expectations. The laggard is me, the entrepreneur. Because I'm working on a new business, and because we don't know what our financial situation will be like, we've agreed to "not go crazy" on a wedding, to save money for a house instead, and hence to skip the caviar-crusted crudites.
"It just makes sense, Babe," B-friend said the other day, when we decided to severely limit, or even push back, our wedding until there was more visibility on our projected outlook. That's right: My nuptials have become a business--one we've agreed not to capitalize until market indicators point more positively.
This depresses me.
I know, I know: Even if we could shell out big bucks on a wedding there's no guarantee that it would be special--just expensive. I pledge undying gratitude to Maria Niles, who's BlogHer series on smart unions has put many things into perspective, especially the LONG discussion she featured on the blog Make Love Not Debt, where a woman asks for wedding funding advice. The upshot from that discussion: The best day of your life is not worth paying back for the duration of it.
With these helpful reminders beginning to sink in I've taken a new tack and tried to put some thought into what would make a wedding special TO ME. And I realized that I have no idea. None. I only know that if I hear a verse from Corinthians one more time I might crack.
Like I said, I never had any girlhood fantasies about what my wedding should be like; weddings I saw on TV or in soap operas were like Snuff films. I was watching something I shouldn't be, something so personal being shrink wrapped and pushed out to the public. These people were saying things they would normally never say to each other, and all those weird phrases, like "to have and to hold from this day forth..." were cold and tomblike. I imagined the final kiss to be the top of the crypt closing in over their heads. After this ritual the couple would be transformed into two people who didn't love each other but were now beholden to one another. The real world would melt and disappear because they were now on their honeymoon. Work schedules and worldly obligations be damned: these people are now married and exalted to a place of transcendence, all because they decided to have a wedding.
The whole concept scared me. I figured that as I got older I would understand it better. I got older, but I didn't understand it any more than I did then, I just surrendered to the probable fact that I would get married someday, so I paid attention to other things: napkins, the quality of flatware, wet bar options. And I made simple pronoucements that made up for this fear: I hated the frill of wedding dresses, much like I hate frothy cake icing, so I vowed my dress would be simple and stylish, dense and very rich; flourless cake, if you will. I vowed that the well-intentioned but awkward connection between two completely different families would be assuaged by the best food and wine money could buy. It worked for my sister: you can hear on the wedding video, when my brother-in-law provides his thanks and ends with, "We're grateful to be here enjoying this day and this great food," voices from the bride's and groom's end of the room moaning in agreement.
The Conscious Bride has a section dedicated to setting the intention behind your wedding and your marriage. Intentions never even played into my concept of a wedding before. My intention has always been that it be a special event for other people, and one that I simply survive. To actually align it with meaning I thought was itself a contrivance. I realize I've held a bias against weddings that I couldn't recognize it because it was the opposite of what many women have. I don't see weddings as the be all/end all, so I've instead made them meaningless, mere cardpunching instead of an opportunity.
That's right, an opportunity. Perhaps now I can determine why I've chosen b-friend. That's right, chosen. Perhaps I can take a pro-active stance on something other than my career and recognize that in the process I've built a life. Perhaps I should break ranks and offer a toast at my own wedding reception--be it in a bucholic setting or in a 24-hour diner in Vegas--and toast the man who's been snapping me out of my self-absorbed funk, and then listen to the dulled "clinks" of Dixie cups that follow.
I still don't know what it means to infuse meaning into my wedding. But at least learning my biases against weddings is a start.
Technorati Tags : marriage, The, Conscious, Bride, Sheryl, Paul, Britt, Bravo, Maria, Niles
I am honored that I could be of service, Jory. :-)
Being a wedding planner was always high up there on the list of (the many) possible entrepreneurial tracks for me. A big reason why is because I always want couples to have the wedding of their dreams and intentions and not just the ones of the bride's mother's dreams or of pop stars and princesses because they seem to inevitably cause the bride so much pain and disappointment.
I have no doubt you and the fiance will have the wedding of your dreams, even if you haven't yet had that dream.
Posted by: Maria Niles | May 21, 2006 at 12:07 PM
Jory, this is a good start.
A wedding is almost mis-named. A graduation is called a commencement, and it at least marks the beginning of the new degreed life. A wedding is almost as important if not more so as the two people are planning to begin their life together. It will be full of challenges some expected, some very unexpected.
The wedding party is not the last supper but the first of many meals together, hopefully happy ones.
Best of luck on the planning!
Posted by: Steve Sherlock | May 21, 2006 at 02:00 PM
Hey, the wedding can be a great party, but still it is only a day. The marriage, that (hopefully) is for life. Planning for your marriage is WAY more important :-) Sounds like you are doing just fine on that front.
When I got married I decided to have just immediate family and very close friends (about 40 people) and have a great meal that we would all enjoy, rather than have to cut corners way way tight to have everyone we knew.
Small wedding also let us have it in the little chapel at the Wayside Inn near my house, which meant we could drive the dogs over and have them in the wedding pictures (not the wedding though). Do the things that will make it special for you.
And by the way once you do decide what you want to do, you can probably pull it together start to finish in far less time than you think. We decided to get married in late August, and got married Thanksgiving weekend!
Posted by: Account Deleted | May 21, 2006 at 05:10 PM
Jory--
Just don't forget to do what you want along the way, not what people expect.
I had very non-traditional wedding -- we went to Las Vegas and had picnic for each family afterwards. (They were separated by a state and it was easiest.)
My cousin is getting married next summer and is going through everything I avoided; nosey relatives, sassy remarks that cross to inappropriate, expensive traditions that are meaningless to her, etc.
I keep telling her, as long as you end up married, that's what matters, really.
Don't get lost in the details.
Posted by: Stacie | May 21, 2006 at 07:34 PM
Good luck Jory!
There is no way you can make everyone happy with your wedding so if something's meaningless to you, why not skip it? The same distant relatives who are offended I didn't invite them to my wedding are notorious for complaining about what they're served or who they're seated beside, so I got a pretty good deal annoying them for free instead of paying $100/head to do it! :)
Seriously though, I felt the same distaste and disinterest in wedding dresses, cakes, etc etc before I got married last year. Bridal magazines terrify me so there's no way I could organise the standard $30,000 extravaganze. Hubby and I got married three months after we were engaged and kept it as simple as possible (registry office, 12 guests, own vows, nice lunch afterwards).
We still got the desired outcome even without the frills: we're happily married. Plus we're not still paying off the 'big day', which is a nice bonus!
Posted by: The Bargain Queen | May 22, 2006 at 01:58 AM
I'd just like to say that it's perfectly possible to have a crappy wedding and a good marriage. When I was married we tried to keep it simple, which was fine, but every single person related to us wanted to have a say in the planning.
On my weeding day me, my husband and my mil had the flu, I was on antibiotics, my dress was horrible (never try to buy a party dress in spring, unless you have mucho money), and the party was very lame. We have hidden our photos of the wedding in the attic, but our marriage is just thriving (after 11 years).
Just do what you like, and don't take it too serious. Oh, and read this (http://moxie.blogs.com/moxie/2006/04/itchy_and_scrat.html)from somebody who had a crappy wedding, too.
Posted by: Susanne | May 22, 2006 at 05:27 AM
Jory
Ah, more culturally induced illusions to face! The high cost of keeping up with the dream. It's a shame that this sacred, so personal aspect of life, a marriage, is mired so. They don't tell you in most of the books (except David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage) that marriage is as much about loving your own real self as it is about loving your partner; that it is the beginning of a new kind of differentiation, not a commitment to a fusion of personalities! As a consequence, a wedding ought to be a community event where both love and separateness are honored. If separateness isn't there, commitment's a sham...and doomed. My advice would be to create a wedding that honors the intimacy and dearness you hold with one another and also the respect for the individual threads you follow. And don't worry if a little of the illusion seeps in. A little impracticality is just fine. It's champagne, you know (and the bubbles are worth it for anyone with a romantic impulse). The house will be there when you need it -- and you'll do fine. I don't think it's really about spending money or not spending it. Too much prudence can be as imprudent to happiness as too little. Spend what you believe is right for an event you will enjoy remembering and sharing -- just don't spend it on some false image of something the two of you are not. Avoid regrets: spend it on who you are; spend it on really having a LOT of FUN being there together with the people you both love the most. And as for the magazines, as you have already done, recognize how shallow they are and how easily hooked on the insanity we've become. It's a gracious thing that you have already figured this out.
Posted by: Dan | May 22, 2006 at 07:03 PM
A note from "the beginning to come out of my coma bride"...you are brilliant! I read with a few laughs, a few heartfelt moments and many "aha"s your note...I feel somewhat like, dare I say, Tony Soprano when he awakens from his coma to state "Who am I and where am I going?". Brilliant words, like yours. Steve and I have given ourselves many months to have the celebration of our lives and love. I'm just now starting to look at differest aspects of the bash. And you know, it's not too uncomfortable. OF course, in true Miffy style, I put the notebook together with my views, thoughts,words and sections of pre/present/post together. And this much I know...the date and the DJ! We are getting married on Oct. 21, 2007 and I have the DJ. The rest, I feel will follow...and of course, like all good single women walking the aisle at 50...forget the beaches, we are going to Hershey for our honeymoon. That's right, Hershey PA, home of CHOCOLATE! Now there's a celebration of life and love!
xoxoxoxo
Posted by: miffy | May 23, 2006 at 07:10 AM
One thing I like about your blog is the sense that you own your own drama, not the other way around. I imagine that whatever you end up doing will be rich in meaning, no matter what it is :-)
The other thought that comes to mind, oddly, is wondering what Bugs Bunny's wedding would be like. I've been realizing lately that I miss Looney Tunes as a positive force in my life, and that I probably owe more of my personality to those characters than I was aware (scary :-)
Anyway, I can imagine a lot of parallels between the life of Bugs and the life of Jory...both of you are independent, wily, resourceful, witty, snide, talented and willful. Sometimes making that wrong turn at Albuquerque. Generally minding your own business, until pushed by the likes of Yosemite Sam or Elmer Fudd. Then, of course, THIS MEANS WAR!
So Bugs, having lived a full life of interesting experiences, finds his groove later in life as some kind of independent consultant, troubleshooter, maybe starting a company that specialized in empowering the little guy or importing fine carrots from Italy. Who would Bugs settle down with? And what kind of wedding would he have? Mind you, I'm thinking of an older-wiser Bugs that may not have been portrayed. If the studios got hold of the wedding, they'd throw some barfable fete featuring all the characters of the studio, with giant floats and flowers raining from the heavens, with all the sugar-substitutive heart of a "where are they now?" episode of "The Love Boat". It would be entirely expected. But the Bugs Bunny of my imagination would get wind of these plans, call in a few favors from his war buddies, and get himself and his honey away. Probably someplace tropical, with lots of palm trees and hula skirts and drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.
I'm not sure if this really makes any sense, but on the off chance that it sparks something I'm posting anyway. My apologies in advance! :-)
Posted by: Dave | May 23, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Oh boy, reading this reminds me of why 11 years later, we still don't have that piece of paper. :) Boyfriend's divorced, so since he's already had a wedding, I told him I get to have ours my way...and I don't want anyone there except him and me (and obviously someone to perform the ceremony). I could never get him to fully commit to that idea ("...but don't you want your FAMILY there?") I want an utterly private wedding for two reasons: the practical is that I don't want to spend money on a wedding when I'd rather spend it on our LIFE :) ... but I also want it to be just the two of us because I know myself well enough to know that if it's not, I'll spend too much energy on worrying whether everyone ELSE is enjoying themselves, thereby removing myself from the moment. Once we decided to come back to the States, I joked we could go through the DRIVE-THRU chapel in Vegas. He wasn't amused...but I'm still hoping we'll get a wild hair one of these days and without warning zip up to Tahoe and do the deed. ;)
Posted by: Marilyn | May 27, 2006 at 10:47 PM