I used to read Inc. Magazine purely for hypothetical value, in case I ever needed to know how to run a business. I never planned to start my own company; I was interested in the psychology of a small business owner, knowing that I would someday take the leap again and become an independent contractor, not--I repeat--a small business owner. I figured that mundanities like payroll or P&Ls would keep me from my real work, that of creating. I skipped the stories about legal issues, accounting, and project management software for the virtual enterprise and focused on the lifestyle stories--the profiles of people who lived in incertainty and infinite possibility.
Now I'm wishing I'd paid more attention to the other stuff.
Since BlogHer became an LLC in late February I've been jettisoned into the world of the small business owner--all of it, not just the inspirational bits. While I and my business partners are masters of our own destinies, we've got bills to pay and email--lots of email. The toughest part for me has been the decisionmaking that has had to get done. I've always been more a ponderer and idea generator. But I no longer provide my boss with all of the possibilities and research and then close the door behind me. I am a boss now, and while I confer with my partners to make decisions I'm now part of the bottom line. Bucks get passed to me now, and I've got a little stash that I have to decide what to do with. These bucks you don't want to keep. That's why, when people ask me what I do these days I say, "prioritize."
I never knew that prioritizing was a full-time job. All that time that I griped about being an implementor only, and now I treasure days when I can sit and get stuff done. It's a constant state of conflict for the bootstrapping small business owner; before you have people to help you implement, you're in a constant push and pull of generating opportunity and then implementing that opportunity. I think the technical term for it is you're always trying to get shit done.
I hadn't realized how quickly my transition to small business owner had occurred until this weekend, when I went to a wedding. Matrimonial gatherings and this blog have become the only ways I keep in touch with people I don't work with. They are imposed reminders of life before BlogHer. The last time I'd seen many of these people was last summer, when I'd quit my 9-5 job and was shopping my book.
"How's the writing going?" a friend asked.
"It's sitting for a little while ... did I mention I started a business?"
"A what?"
"Yeah...long story." Though the story isn't that long, really. Elisa, Lisa and I noticed we were spending the bulk of our time on BlogHer and, coupled by the noticeable increase in bloggers and companies who were approaching us about opportunities, it seemed like we were being called to formalize our arrangement.
Some people go into business without any idea of what they want to create/produce. They look at market trends and then build up a sudden excitement for the technology/gadget they are trying to sell. BlogHer happened differently. The three of us were working on our own writing and consulting while working on the conference, but we were furtner drawn to this entity, this community of people who had a lot to say, which somehow incorporated many of our independent gigs and the expertise we'd developed over the years.
My decision to build BlogHer stemmed from a decision I'd made in 2004, when I was working a corporate job and meeting with a coach to determine my career purpose. I knew I wanted to write, but that wasn't enough. The coach asked me why I wanted to publish.
"I see it as the first step," I said. There was a larger purpose out there, and getting published was the only way I knew that could potentially get the ball rolling. After a few meetings I was able to make out the the whole ball of wax. I wanted to create an alternative for women who'd reached a point in their lives that I had, when they asked themselves, how can I contribute in a way that allows me to express myself, reach my potential, and that wastes as little time and energy as possible on things that don't matter? Being so heavily involved in media throughout my career, communications was the only way I could see creating these opportunities.
I wrote on a sheet of paper two years ago that I wanted to start a media company that empowered women. Of course, you don't just start a media company. I assumed I would have to start with a book, then help others publish books, then maybe build up a track record and then expand to other media, then I would deal with that icky business side I hated so much. As per usual, I assumed that I would have to do all of this myself, and the thought exhausted me.
At some point early this year I realized that by throwing out the possibility of my own venture I'd allowed it to come my way, but like most possibilities it didn't look the way I'd imagined. I didn't have to watch my venture grow from scratch; it was already growing, and I was already participating in it. My original concept of growing it alone with my hand in everything seems inefficient to me now, almost arrogant. My business wasn't a seed that could only grow with my care and feeding; it was a garden--a community--that I would help to maintain. More than a business owner I am a steward.
All the more reason why Tom Ehrenfeld's book The Start-Up Garden has come at a perfect time. Tom, a former Harvard Business Review writer and editor, helped me shape my chapter in the book More Space, and ever since we've been co-appreciators. He'd asked me about my next book, which I'd recently put on hold while growing BlogHer. When I told him what I was up to he sent me his book. I haven't been able to get through my email, let alone my leisure reading. Yet, when the book arrived it seemed important. One night, after a particularly stressful day I decided to browse through and ended up reading the whole thing.
Tom's book doesn't include everything you'll ever need to know about starting and growing a small business; it takes two steps back and provides you with the necessary insight you need to approach your small business. He reminds you that it's not 1999--though there's a resurgence in funding for many technology concepts, business building is a gradual process, requiring occasional sanity checks and common sense. You can't grow a business that doesn't incorporate a product, process, or outcome that you believe in; it's too hard.
I loved the book because it helped me get a handle on the uncertainty, something all entrepreneurs deal with, while providing practical advice on a level that applies to any small business. Entrepreneurship is a state of mind; it's investing in the future, and if you are a hand-to-mouth type, or someone who prefers to change amidst a maximum amount of security, you must know this now, because your tolerance will immediately affect the growth of your business.
The book helped me to realize that after I brush off the fears and inconveniences, I AM an entrepreneur at heart. I want more control over my work process, even at the expense of having control over outcomes; and I want to match my passion with my job, period. Once I understood this the anxiety-generating things that come with starting a business were pushed to the background.
I made another distinction while reading Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's book, Flow; whether your work is a painting or a business, the principle applies. MC writes:
"Whereas a conventional artist starts painting a canvas knowing what she wants to paint, and holds to her original intention until the work is finished, an original artist with equal technical training commences with a deeply felt but undefined goal in mind, keeps modifying the picture in response to the unexpected colors and shapes emerging on the canvas, and ends up with a finished work that probably will not resemble anything she started out with.
If the artist is responsive to her inner feelings, knows what she likes and does not like, and pays attention to what is happening on the canvas, a good painting is bound to emerge. On the other hand, if she holds onto a preconceived notion of what the painting should look like, without responding to the possibilities suggested by the forms developing before her, the painting is likely to be trite."
It occurred to me, after several years of business writing, that I had become one of my business stories--I had encountered the most ideal business opportunity, one that stemmed from a personal passion. I almost dismissed it because its was something organic, unarranged. It wasn't the painting I'd already had in mind.
A friend of mine helped me see this tendency when I first started dating B-friend. I didn't take my future fiance seriously initially because we'd been friends first; there wasn't any effort involved in winning him over.
"You need to learn to love what doesn't make you struggle," my friend said. Three years later, when I told my friend I was engaged, he said half joking, "I feel responsible for that." I suppose he's right; if he hadn't convinced me to try what felt different, to embrace the opportunity that embraced me, I'd still be alone.
And so it is with BlogHer. By keeping it as a "side project" I would be pushing away what was coming into my life naturally. I would be waiting for it to evolve to a point where it was worthy of more commitment, which would have cut it off at the knees and pushed it into a well-intentioned but ultimately stifled adventure.
It seems fitting, after resolving to stop struggling and to allow my life painting to emerge spontaneously, that I marry my best friend.
BlogHer Tom Ehrenfeld small business entrepreneur Inc. Magazine
Another awesome post, Jory. Of course, you must realize you are going to have to stop with the self deprecation and accept some credit at some point.
Posted by: Troy | May 08, 2006 at 05:05 PM
This post really resonates with me, on so many levels. Before I used to think of business as something you were expected to conform to, because there were certain rules one was expected to follow; the reward was "success." I have a terrible time following rules that I don't know the backstory to, and the environment in which I worked didn't provide the answers. It was just that *things needed doing, now*. I eventually figured out the only rule that counted was what the person who outranked you wanted, and everything else was just scaffolding. I decoupled myself from those expectations and have been relatively happier since then. I'm slowly accepting that I *don't* fit into certain environments, and that this is actually OKAY. Maybe even GOOD.
But businesswise? I sort of have something going, but it's more like "drifting with great purpose". Two images come to mind: Me as Winnie the Pooh turning an umbrella upside down and going to rescue Piglet, or captaining the Titanic majestically into a field of icebergs. Scary, but I'm also realizing that I prefer the certainty of not being stuck on someone else's boat.
It wasn't until just now, reading your post, that I realized that I'm at similar crossroads. I've had many similar thoughts, but you've pulled them together in a way that I think has just saved me some time.
As much as I like being on my little boat, I'm realizing I'm MUCH HAPPIER when there are other boats within my line-of-sight. Thanks for leading the way!
Posted by: Dave | May 08, 2006 at 11:31 PM
"I wanted to create an alternative for women who'd reached a point in their lives that I had, when they asked themselves, how can I contribute in a way that allows me to express myself, reach my potential, and that wastes as little time and energy as possible on things that don't matter?"
Sounds perfect, and sounds pretty much exactly where I'm at, minus the woman part.
I love that you're taking this on so fully, confronting yourself, growing, and being willing to have what you want. You're an inspiration to a lot of people, myself included.
Posted by: Jon Moter | May 09, 2006 at 01:58 PM
Hi Jory,
Try the book Synchronicity. I just got into it this past weekend. You'll love it based on what you write above.
(http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1576750310/ref=ord_cart_shr/103-2092689-2109423?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance&n=283155)
Best to you!
Posted by: TnS | May 09, 2006 at 07:50 PM
Thanks for the post! My husband and I are buying a business. He's thrilled and I'm terrified. But I saw alot of his motitivations and reactions in your piece. It really helped me to understand why he wants this.
Posted by: Stacie | May 12, 2006 at 06:23 AM