Special Offer: Mediocrity Plus!

I just got an email today from United, one of many airlines with whom I've opened a frequent flyer account. The email introduced a new United Product: Economy Plus Access:

New Economy Plus Access^SM allows you to enjoy the extra legroom in United's Economy Plus® section for one year. You can use Economy Plus Access to reserve your seat at the time of booking—using any fare—on all domestic and international United®, United Express®* and Ted^SM flights.

Now I'm one of those sit-in-the-back suffering types that accepts my lot; I get on the plane and go to the seat I'm assigned without trying to finagle a window seat, or to sit with B-friend, to avoid the middle, etc. I've never traded my many miles for a first class ticket, because for me getting there is more important than how. Being short, I'll always fit in whatever seat; though I'll never fully fall asleep or be totally comfortable on an airplane. So be it.

Mileage upgrades have made the crowd more uppity; they give us a taste of conspicuous consumption. A dear friend once upgraded me on a Virgin Airlines flight to "Upper Class" so I could sit with him. I had a manicure in the VIP area, signed up for a full body massage onboard (though, since I was an "upgrade"--a poseur, if you will, and not a true blood-- I only made it to the waiting list). I didn't have to wait to eat, drink, piss, or watch a movie. When the seatbelt sign was off we were invited to the bar in the middle of the section. I sat there on a stool, eating cheese puffs and rueing the descent back down to reality.

If you have miles, some of my friends argue, you'd be a fool for not cashing them in. Room up front for an extra $75? Where do I sign up? These people value additional service and legroom far more than I do. Don't get me wrong--I would love to fly first class, but I'm not sure what my income or mileage account threshold should be when I can consider myself deserving of it. When it comes to traveling, I'm like my grandmother, who still buys cheap white bread and the generic version of everything, even though she could buy the good stuff. She grew up with a Depression mentality that she's kept into her 80s. I suppose I've experienced my own Depression of sorts--when I did anything, save sell myself to get from Point A to B. I've done planes/trains/automobiles/camels to get where I needed to go affordably. It's like I'm still backpacking in Europe, and no one's told me that I've hit 30 years of age, when you stop shlepping and start paying for comfort and convenience.

I've been beaten down by Economy Class, I suppose, and stopped learning to expect traveling to be pleasant. I expect my shoulders to hurt from carrying a backpack I've stuffed past capacity (to avoid the baggage claim). I expect to be disheveled from having stripped myself of my shoes, belt, jacket and jewelry onto the security belt to avoid the rush of travelers behind me, who must dress entirely in Velcro because they always seem to get dressed more quickly than I do. I expect security folk to scream behind me, "Ma'am you forgot your boarding pass, and what appears to be the last bite of a Clif Bar!" because I've got too many odds and ends to coordinate. I expect to pay exorbitantly for a stale bagel and bad coffee (the Starbucks line being too long, I'd miss my flight if I waited). I'm used to being herded, checked, and seated, and to ask for help from someone who can a) lift my overpacked bag and b) reach the overhead bin. I'm getting used to "real food" being extra, and the numbness I get in my feet that are wedged along the sides of the bag I stuffed in the foot compartment in front of me. I'm used to getting 3 oz of Diet Sprite and 3oz of ice and wondering why the attendant couldn't sacrifice the whole can. I'm used to mediocre----LESS THAN MEDIOCRE--when I travel, which is why this offer from United struck me.

Economy Access Plus works this way: fork over $300 and for a year you are allowed to sit in the Economy Plus section of the plane without upgrading. The first thing I wondered: Do you get preference over other travelers if the Economy Plus section is used up? Or does $300 buy you what my Virgin Upper Class upgrade bought me, merely an invitation to luxury, but not necessarily a guaranteed place behind the velvet rope? I've been traveling a lot lately and book through so many airlines, I can't guarantee that I would use United enough to take advantage of this.

Reading further I suspect the following variations of Economy Plus Access could answer my questions, but I can't find any explanation: There are variations of Economy Plus Access.

Economy Plus Access with Premier® Fast Track, which I presume allows travelers to book award travel and be guaranteed better seating; and
Economy Plus Access with United Red Carpet ClubSM, which allows members to get the seating benefits and sit in United's special VIP areas--country clubs for the well-traveled.

May I submit a few variations that I would pay for?

Economy Plus Access with Zinc, for when you are sitting in the vicinity of Typhoid Mary, like Grace Davis and I were on our way from SXSW. I'll also gladly pay for ear plugs to avoid hearing people like TM coughing up a lung.

Economy Plus Access, without Hydrogenated Oils, (in partnership with Whole Foods) with an option to buy real food, not processed "cheese product" on-board.

Economy Plus Access, with laptop room, so you're not screwed when the person in front of you reclines and blocks all visibility.

Economy Plus Access, with Premium Hydration. (In partnership with Coca Cola brands) Put down a prepaid credit card deposit, and you can keep the whole soda can, every time!

All of this is an exercise in demonstrating just how ridiculous airline travel has become. Without getting into the economics of why no-frills carriers are actually cheaper while being frillier and more enjoyable, there's another reason why traditional carriers still aren't getting it right. They start from sub-standard and charge for reasonable extras.

Consider Starbucks coffee--you pay more for it, perhaps, but at its most basic level it's a quality product. I don't have to pay 5 cents more for coffee that isn't burned, or 25 cents for sweetener. I don't pay extra to sit comfortably while enjoying it, or for "extras" like a straw, or a cup of water.

Meanwhile "standard" airline flights offer seats that are uncomfortable, even for small people, purchasing restrictions, and 12 peanuts.

You don't need to explain all the reasons why it's been this way and why it has to be this way; I understand. But I don't understand why 15,000 miles, or a $300 upgrade should afford me 5 inches, or 9 more ounces of Sprite. I don't mind paying more for premium air travel, but improve the no-frills version of it first.

air travel Economy Plus Access United Airlines

Comments

Right on, Jory! Let's get the basics down, like leaving and arriving on time in something other than a sardine can and we can consider paying extra for what's worth it.

Posted by: Steve Sherlock | March 16, 2006 at 05:21 AM