I had lunch with a friend today; that in itself is news. I've been in this work funk lately, the kind that causes people to call you and wonder if you're OK. The kind where you only realize you've been working for 16 hours when your forearms start to go numb from typing, and your breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes are getting in the way.
This friend has embarked on a soloing journey, though she's not sure where she's headed yet. She's been working a high-falutin, high-stress job for years and finally decided to make changes, after her umpteenth new boss, and the umpteenth employee she had to let go (you know the drill).
She's taking time to try everything--dance, cooking, writing her life story. Being particularly achievement-oriented, she takes on her exploration like a job. I can relate; back when I was unemployed--different from self-employed, mind you--I was more structured than when I had a job. People like my friend and me need structure. And we need draining jobs that take everything out of us, so when we lose or leave them, we can finally give ourselves the space and leisure we should have given ourselves during gainful employment. And we wonder whether we can ever corral ourselves to working that ferociously ever again.
My friend credited me with being autonomous in my career; I credit her with being autonomous in life--a different thing, actually. While I technically have my days to myself, I don't know if I've ever been completely autonomous. Even in my periods of downtime I've been preparing for something else, or taking on projects where others rely on me. I don't know the last time I woke up in the morning and did nothing without a desire to accomplish. So many people fear change; I fear not moving forward. And yet I long for being still at the same time.
BlogHer has picked up the pace, which sounds silly--since the organization took its first breath was it ever slow? Even the week after BlogHerCon last summer I was rushing around in post-conference phantom duty: Gimme something to do! Gimme something to do! And by the time I got used to doing less we were back into the swing of '06.
Now we're taking on big projects which are in stealth mode but will be rolling out very soon. And I find myself acting similar to how I did back in my Web 1.0 days--When I got home from work, took a shower, went to bed and did it all over again the next day. When my diet consisted of what I could grab while typing. When I realized I'd entered a cultural vacuum because I hadn't been to a movie, or a boutique, or a music store in ages. When I forgot I'd been wearing the same shirt for two days. When copies of The New Yorker piled up, and I realized I forgot to pay my rent. When I had this feeling of overwhelm but didn't know how to stop. when we worked like mad people because we hoped to go public in 18 months, only now we're doing it for different reasons, with a mission in mind. I feel like I need to pace myself, but don't know how.
"What's the big whoop?" B-friend tells me, when I rant about how there's always too much to do. "Just stop. Watch a movie. Go to bed early."
He's SO naive. The feeling is different this time, as I told my friend today. I feel motivated for different reasons--not to prove that I can do something--but because I am convinced that I am meant to do something involving women and media. Inconveniences have transformed themselves into learnings this time around, and colleagues are not barriers but rather desperately needed helping hands.
And there's an awareness not unlike that of a girl who refuses to fall in love too quickly this time around, who wants to check where her feet are at all times. Who resists just a little with each shove forward, not out of disinterest, but out of fear of being consumed again. Consumed without awareness.
When you look at it this way--it really is like contemplating the big plunge into a relationship, not just dating or playing the field, or waiting for the job to come to you. I think what I'm feeling is the awkwardness of something new. The awkwardness of trying.
I can identify with the feeling...yesterday morning I woke up thinking that the time for relaxation was over, that there were THINGS TO DO, and that it was time to dust off the "bad" old attitudes from 2000 and gear up for battle. It also feels different this time, because I think I'd be doing it for the right reasons, ones that don't dehumanize relationships but empowered them instead. And for the first time, maybe the work will be energizing experiences, rather than ones that just take away and don't give back. But before any of this can happen, I have to step back up. I recognize the concern of being consumed by this again, and I've been thinking that this might actually cause me to lose touch with a lot of the people who are close to me now...so I am weighing this very carefully.
Part of me misses being consumed...when I was in the game industry, or working for other companies. The sense of mission! But when the mission goes awry, or isn't ultimately good for people...that's what is the suck and made me walk away. I wonder: under my own flag, will I do any better? Nothing to do now but dive in, I think, and see how things turn out, more squad leader than CEO.
Anyway, best of luck in making your own luck...kick some ass!
Posted by: Dave Seah | March 23, 2006 at 09:24 AM
Jory,
This post had so many parallels to an article I wrote for a magazine. It's called "Ambition: The Double Edged Sword" and is about how to make peace with that desire for constant progress - and how to pace yourself. I can send it to you if you're interested :)
Posted by: Laura | March 23, 2006 at 11:05 AM
Every time you post about some comment boyfriend makes, it makes me real happy to know you two are together. You fit each other well, *especially* when you don't see eye to eye. :-)
Just remember, there's always so much to do because you're choosing for there to be so much to do.
Posted by: Jon Moter | March 24, 2006 at 03:33 PM
Ditto to what Jon said about choosing there to be so much to do. And, it sounds like you've found that sweet spot where your "daily toil in the fields" is actually overlapping with your purpose. In this place, perception of time dissolves and energy reserves to move things forward seem limitless. Still, building in time to stop and chill helps keep perspective.
Posted by: Steve Fielding | March 25, 2006 at 09:31 AM