Two weeks ago I sat in on a talk given by relationship guru John Gray. Bfriend was going to go with me, but then he decided to visit his folks (strangely avoidant, when you consider the topic of the talk: How nutrition affects relationship dynamics), so alas I went solo.
I'd heard about Gray's latest endeavor of teaming up with a nutrition company to sell meal replacement products that balance body chemistry, and thus, enhance relationships. I admit I was dubious and wondered how powdered nutrition would power up my sex drive unless it was laced with Ecstasy. He managed to make a very interesting case, which I relayed nowhere nearly as well later, when I tried to explain it to Bfriend. He thought I'd fallen for Dr. Gray's spiel--hook, line, and sinker.
I have to admit the logic behind Gray's concept, coupled with the everyday realities of my relationship makes me believe every word.
I went to the talk, which a friend of mine hosted, to glean a bit of insight into areas where Bfriend and I--two levelheaded people--can't for the life of us understand about each other. I consider myself a low-key type; I like drama, but I've been off the sauce for a while now. I don't like to just scare it up anymore when things get boring. I've learned to like peace and quiet. But sometimes the silence in conversations with Bfriend makes me feel, well, unheard, like I'm talking to myself and he's having an extra-sensory conversation with whomever's on Spike TV. He'll always acknowledge that he heard what I said, but of course, there is the distinction that we women like to make between HEARING and LISTENING. There are ways our girlfriends nod in agreement and gasp and cluck that let us know, "Girl, I hear you, and I feel your pain." His expression says to me, "Did you take meat out of the freezer for dinner tonight? Please tell me you did."
He wonders why I repeat things if they aren't really bothering me. He becomes Freud if I've mentioned something more than once, as my repeating it must somehow signal a deep psychological void or issue that I'm having and not sharing. I tell him that I often don't know I've mentioned something twice, which only implicates me even more into a trifecta of humiliating categories: Troubled, In-Denial, and Flaky.
But according to Dr. Gray: The levels of serotonin and dopamine in men and women are dramatically different and account for some critical differences in how we respond to events. Women tend to produce less serotonin, meaning, in effect, that we tend to experience emotion longer and more intensely. This explains why, when things bother us, we need to say something--often several times--to relieve ourselves. Venting is a biological imperative! But we also have a much higher threshold for what we consider really upsetting, meaning that just because we mention it doesn't mean it's a big deal.
I felt vindicated, no longer guilty for coming home from a day of work and needing to relay the psychological underpinnings behind every conversation I had. I'll mention even the most innocuous ones to Bfriend, even things that don't bother me. But by virtue of my mentioning them they are misunderstood as complaints. Bfriend cannot discriminate between what's a gripe and what's just an observation.
Case in point: Last night bfriend came home from a day with friends. It was after midnight; I thought he'd be home much earlier and that we'd watch a movie together. He'd also come home past midnight the day before. I was miffed that we hadn't spent any time together over the weekend. But trying to explain why I was upset was like trying to say it in a game of charades--he got the gist of the hand waving, but couldn't make out the words.
JD: I just wish we could have spent more time together.
BF: I need time with my friends. I need my time away.
JD: Yes you do. But I'm pissed because you came home so late, when you intimated you wanted to do something with me tonight.
BF: But you're denying what you just said. You said you wish we could have spent more time together.
JD: Right. But I'm not mad that you were with your friends.
BF: But that's not what you said!
Fact is, women are more granular creatures. We can break things down--we need to--and yes, everything is significant, but we don't feel a need to complain about everything that irks us--just the PIECE that irks us. We may mention other things, because, well, they exist. But you can't assume they are necessarily problematic.
Meanwhile men don't break up anything into pieces--people are mad or they're not. John Gray used a great example of early days with his wife: If they went to see a movie and she didn't like it, he would feel like a failure, but all his wife was saying is she didn't love it--not a big whoop. Personally, I sit in movies that I don't like all the time. Just because I may not love the film doesn't mean I wasn't glad to see it. Women offer more shades of synthesis than men.
Men wonder why we talk things into the ground. We wonder why they don't care. They do, but in their less nuanced world something requires a reaction or it doesn't. This in-between "talking about it" thing that we women like to do is meaningless. If we say that someone offended us he will respond with a call to action: "Then tell him!" or, if he really senses you're upset: "Want me to kick his ass?" It's black or white. This person should get his ass kicked or be left alone. Whatever is decided, it's done and doesn't need to be mentioned again.
There's something admirable about this. I think of when Bfriend had a problem with someone in his grad school program who wasn't pulling his weight on a project. Bfriend mentioned this guy's antics several times, and I saw the opportunity to be callously to the point, like I perceived bfriend to be with me when I had issues with people.
"You've mentioned this guy TWICE now!" I said, gloating. "Maybe you oughtta confront him--not be such a complainer."
"I did!" Bfriend said. "I took him to the side and said, 'Dude! Start pulling your weight.' I think he got the picture.
Of course, hearing this made me bristle. Omigod, I thought, what did the poor guy say when you ACCOSTED him so threateningly! I've had air-clearings with other women, received candy-coated suggestions, had them write backhanded things on their blogs about me after the fact, but never had I experienced a full-out throwdown like this.
I had to ask b-friend: "My GOD! How did he respond to this?"
Bfriend said, "How could he respond? It wasn't up for argument. I was telling him the DEAL."
He'd cut through the situation like a Ginsu knife through Jell-o. So final. I imagined the poor man attempting to take a step afterward and his severed head hitting the floor. A woman's head would bleed. And bleed. And bleed.
Anyway, I digress to show you a difference in perception. Women could stand to learn something from men's directness--and their ability to move on. But if men better understood our difficulty with just dropping an issue they might learn to nod their heads longer in feigned understanding. To let us feel like our concerns are being absorbed. If this is too difficult, backrubs never hurt.
So whatever it is Dr. Gray's preaching, I'm buying it--hook, line, and sinker. If we have to drink shakes to start getting on the same page, bring me the blender.
Oh, if that were true...shake, shake, shake...shake, shake, shake...
Posted by: Joy | January 23, 2006 at 11:02 AM
Yes, if only it was a shake.
BTW did you see the National Geographic current issue? It has the inside scoop on the chemistry of love.
http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0602/feature2/index.html
Unfortunately, they don't post more than a teaser on line. I do have the hard copy and it actually says that backrubs are good. They release a hormone called oxytocin which is also released when we hug. "In long term relationships that work ... oxytocin is believed to be abundant in both partners. In long-term relationships that don't get off the ground, ... chances are that the couple has not found a way to stimulate or sustain oxytocin production."
You are on to something Jory!
Posted by: Steve Sherlock | January 23, 2006 at 02:17 PM
Jory,
Dr. Gray is wonderful for those people who will never learn to be introspective and who just need ways to cope with their relationship, to have as pleasant life as possible without doing hardly any work. However, if you truly want to be happy in your relationship, you need to look beyond Dr. Gary's philosophy of men and women being different.
Yes, we produce different chemicals in the brain, and yes, it does account for some difference in behavior, but chemical differences do not explain what's going on in most relationships.
What you experience with your boyfriend when you repeat things over and over is not being heard, and guess what - it's because he is not hearing you. You already know this, you wrote about it in this post, and at the same time you are somehow saying it's you - perhaps you are just perceiving him wrong.
To get/hear/understand another human being does not require that a person be male of female - it requires the ability, willingness and openness, to get/hear/understand another human being.
Perhaps when you speak, his issues get triggered and he shuts down, perhaps he is preoccupied with his own stressors, but what ever the reason, that lack of communication is not a male/female issue in terms of Mars/Venus. It is a male/female issue in the way men shut down and women know there is shut down and yet somehow explain it away, pretend it's not happening and try to live with it.
If women were less willing to let men get away with this kind of thing in relationships, everyone would be much happier - even the men. Men thrive in relationships where they are called to the mat to be fully human, and die and leave relationships where they can get away with being emotionally absent.
If you want to listen to an expert who knows exactly what's going in male/female relationships, go take a look at Terry Real and take a look at his books at Amazon. I also know what's really going on in relationships with men and women and have created courses for couples to deal with just the thing you are dealing with. Take a look at my courses for couples .(this is a public service announcement and not self promotion - most couples badly need the information I have made available on my site)
Sorry to be so heavy in this, but I get really riled up when people fall for this kind of lame explanations of what's happening in their relationships. You don't need a food shake to improve your relationship! You need to get your boyfriend to wake up and be present, and you need to have him figure out why he is checked out or shut down. Once the shut down/checking out starts to happen it's only gets worst.
Alright then, now that I got really intense on you, back to my smiling and pleasant comments.
Love Coach Rinatta Paries
Posted by: Love Coach Rinatta | January 24, 2006 at 10:23 AM
I don't know what Dr. Gray is selling, but a six-pack is much more likely to get me on the same page as you than a shake. And as for my attention, if you want it, put on something sexy like a pair of reading glasses. Or whip me up a batch of homemade tamales. Then I'll be all ears.
Posted by: Troy Worman | January 24, 2006 at 01:31 PM
My mother and her friend attended some workshop over New Year's weekend at Gray's spa on the coast...she came back all adither over brain chemistry...Gray must be selling it on all fronts. ;) Personally, I can't stand his whiny little persona...he grates on me...but to each his own. I had to laugh reading this post though...I can't tell you how many times I'll be breathlessly relating some tale that's urgently vital to my current emotional well-being, only to have J. stare at the TV..."J!" "What?" "Are you listening?" "Yes." "But you're watching TV!" "I can look at the TV while I'm listening to you..." ACK!!! Men simply don't get that women need eye contact and nodding and sympathetic mutterings. But damn if he isn't listening...because later he'll refer back to something I said in that conversation. How do they DO that?! :)
Posted by: Marilyn | February 20, 2006 at 06:59 AM