The Co-Dependent Blogger's Dilemma: To Comment or not to Comment

Back when I worked for a national women's Web site I apparently rubbed my boss the wrong way for many reasons, but one that stuck out was my email etiquette.

"You don't say who you are referring to," she said. She, being an old fart from traditional media, preferred to have all email in proper epistolary format, starting with "Dear" and ending with my name at the end.

I thought that it was unnecessary, particularly when people wanted a simple affirmation about something, but trying desperately to remain in Old Fart's favor, I followed suit. If I received a message from her like this:

Dear Jory,                                                                                                                     

Are you able to make our meeting at 3:30 today?"

                                              --Old Fart

I would reply:

Dear Old Fart,

Yes

--Jory

I felt badly when I kept it to only one word. Would she think I rushed to respond without thinking about her question? Would she think I was being rude? I thought about responding in a sentence: "Dear Old Fart: I will be at the meeting at 3:30. Sincerely, Jory Des Jardins.." but couldn't bring myself to do it. Something about this requirement smacked of an inability to adjust to the wired world. Email was designed to make messaging efficient. You knew who email was from simply by looking at the From line. You knew what it was about by looking at the Subject line. End of story.

Still, the damage had been done. Old Fart set me on a path of insecurity--one on which I've questioned my digital response skills. Anxiety that plagues me--the blogger--even today.

After I left that job I had to re-train myself and settled on a hybrid style of responding to email--part formality, part efficiency. I applied something I wasn't allowed to use in my prior position--common sense--and was more formal with clients or people I had never contacted before, and less so with my co-workers. I'd noticed that some of the more politically savvy kiss asses at this last job cut corners, but referred to the group as a whole in their letters:

"All,

"Here is my weekly report."

I adopted this tactic with the team I managed at my new job. And, if they responded with a question, I simply replied with the appropriate answer. Holding myself back from typing in the obvious: my first and last name.

At the next job, information was key, but being at a Start-Up, long, thoughtful missives were seen as disrespectful. After sending a long, prose-y response I wrote to the executive team of the company, a member of the exec team, a writer like myself, provided me with some advice: You want us to read what you write? Use bullet points. Keep. It. Short.

Finally I felt appreciated for my editorial background.

At the next job I wasn't required to write with any formality, but inclusion was the key inefficiency there. In an attempt to keep everyone in the loop at all times, it was highly encouraged that you copy everyone on your team, other department heads, your gynecologist, just to make sure everyone "was on the right page." I used to dread going to work in the morning, turning on my laptop, and seeing 80 emails from people who worked at the company, but that I didn't know, or who had projects I wasn't aware of and didn't need to know about. Sorting through what I actually needed to care about was challenging.

At the next job, there was no formality, and I was only copied when it was necessary, but this company's communication neurosis was an overwhelming need for email affirmation. If my boss asked me a question, and I replied, I would receive a response: "Thanks." Initially I thought this was polite, but, in a similar situation when I failed to supply a thanks, I received a follow up email from my boss: "Did you not receive my response?" Meaning I had to respond, "Yes I did, thanks." In fact, any email that was sent to me, whether it required follow-up information or not, had to be replied to, lest it be assumed that I never got the email.

I would spend mornings pouring over email from colleagues and acknowleding their receipt as creatively as possible: "Thanks a lot!" "Got it!" "You're the best..." "Danka." "May the force be with you." God forbid I have to find an email that my boss sent me. I'd have to search amidst hundreds of "Got it's!" before I found what I needed. 

So, what the hell does this have to do with blogging? I bring all of this up to make a point that, though email has become the most utilized form of business communication, and though there are some cultural norms that have developed around it, there is no ONE standard. Much of it depends on who you work for or with, or who you are sending it to, and your own psychological issues. I found early on, when I was developing a work style, I moved from a starchy, servile formality to a more to-the-point style. Likewise, for simple dispatches of information, I keep my emails short and--when its to the BlogHer gals, with whom klatch with via email all day--it's rather, er, colloquial. With them I can abbreviate full sentences that I tend to use (IMHO and other more elaborate acronyms that would only be recognized by them).

Translating (or Transliatin', as I would say on Gizoogle) this in a blogging context, I've found a number of ways that bloggers reply to comments on their blogs. And I often wonder where other bloggers fall on the question of how to respond to comments. To be more specific, what is more appreciated, acknowledging comments on your blog, or not?

In companies where I've coached bloggers I've instructed with a loose policy--largely based on my own:

You are not obligated to respond to blog comments, however, there are instances where you may want to:

1) When you are a starting blogger and you want to establish relationships with other bloggers/thank them for coming to your site;

2) A comment compells you to reply. Perhaps it's a slam, or a brilliant argument/affirmation of your post, and you simply want to weigh in like any other commenter. This, by the way, is not an excuse to get defensive or insult a commenter, but a means of extending a lively conversation.

3) A commenter poses a direct question, "Jory, I'm curious to know your thoughts on this..."

My personal policy is to reply to readers offline, simply because I don't want to gunk up my blog with my personal asides and shout-outs to people, and because I don't want to draw the assumption that by not replying I'm purposely ignoring someone.

I have a sporadic--OK, erratic--way of dealing with email and getting to comments, dictated by my work schedule and ability to make nicey-nice. However, folks like my mother have virtual conversations with people in her comments section. If she didn't have what I used to think was an annoying propensity to comment and EVERY SINGLE blog post I wrote with a "Brilliant Jor!" or "Absolutely agree. Keep it up!" she would never have started up conversations with what is now her blog community, who visit her at her own blog. Now, if Mom isn't commenting on my blog, I wonder if something's wrong (no pressure, Mom). Was this post less brilliant than the last? Did it suck? Is it so bad, my mother won't even comment!

BlogHers such as colleague Elisa Camahort and Koan Bremner are scrupulous about providing, not just acknowledgements of receipt, but full-out commentary to comments they receive, making me feel downright inadequate in my ability to connect with the community. Here, I've been struggling with even finding the time to blog, let alone, maintain the back and forth. Yet, as I said earlier--it ain't blogging if it's a one-way conversation.

I often find that I want to reply to a commenter--let them know I found their comment funny, well-phrased, brilliant, etc.--but I have a bit of a perfectionist streak in me. If I don't have anything particularly deep to say--I'd rather not say it. Or I say it, but am disappointed with myself. There are so many gifted bloggers who deserve better! I self-flagellate then go offline and watch TV--a form of Blogger sabotage.

I'd love to hear your thoughts--your comments. You don't have to leave them if you don't want to. No, really. I don't care...It's not like it matters...Mom?...Mom?...Mommy!!!

Comments

[Phil Gerbyshak]

I am a commenter. I love to leave comments on other's blogs, if the need arises. I love the personal e-mail back, responding to my comment, much more than another comment for me to have to go back to an article I've already read, and respond there. That's what I love. And pizza. I love pizza.

[Koan Bremner]

Hey, Jory, the fact that I choose to engage actively (or "scrupulously"!) with those who comment on my blog is *my* choice - it's right for me, it suits my purposes, and nobody else (including you) should feel guilty about taking a different approach, in my opinion.

When I look at my server logs, and see how many people read my posts, I never fail to wonder "why"? It's humbling - I value their time spent reading my posts so much - and when they actively invest a few seconds (or minutes) to comment, then how much greater is that value! I want them to *know* that I value their time and effort - that I value their contribution (even if I don't necessarily agree with it!) - and that I value their willingness to share their comment with the multitude of readers who don't comment.

Because blog platforms in general (including mine, Radio UserLand) don't tend to provide an easy way to be notified of replies to comments, I email a copy of my public reply to the original commenter - saving them the hassle (identified by Phil) of continually checking back to see if I've responded. I've had occasion to reconsider the wisdom of this strategy, recently - but, for now, I'm continuing with it. (Yes I'm aware that platforms like WordPress, Typepad / Movable Type and Blogware provide facilities for subscribing to feeds of comments, or request email notifications of responses to comments - such facilities are still the exception.)

I've never made any secret that one of my aims with my blog is to prove to other trans people that you can live openly and unashamedly, *and* engage constructively with people who are not trans, away from the safe walled gardens of closed social networks. For me, vibrant and active comments are a crucial part of that. So, I invest time and effort in nurturing those comment relationships. I want non-commenters to see that a) they're safe to comment, b) their comments won't be echoes in an empty room, and c) may help others (commenters and non-commenters alike) in a way that one-to-one email conversations just never could.

Great post, Jory! ;-)

[Joy Des Jardins]

Hey, Mom here. You like me...you really, really like me. Remember back in the early days of my blog? Last August. I was replying back (on my blog) to the readers who were kind enough to leave a comment....AND sending them all an e-mail as well...usually. You gave me what I thought was good advice. "Mom, you don't need to comment on your blog all the time; you can just e-mail your replies if you want."

You were right. As much as I wanted each commenter to know how much I appreciated and enjoyed their comments; I found that I could sufficiently tell them (actually more sufficiently) in a personal e-mail. I have had many warm and wonderful communications with so many bloggers and others this way; and have made some close and endearing new friends as well.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to do this. As far as I'm concerned, any way you can show your sincerity and appreciation for their time and consideration...is right.

As far as YOU and ME...I can't help commenting on almost everything you write...because I love it. Considering you're stuck with me, it's nice to know you actually enjoy (okay, tolerate) my comments.

[genevieve]

I'd like to be able to stop myself responding to every comment actually because it looks a bit strange when my Recent Comments list is always headed by 'Genevieve'. I've always appreciated your email responses, Jory, I think it's a great way to go.

[Stacie]

As someone who has benefitted from the personal emails, I love the idea. I tend to do both, comment and email, depending upon what I think the situation warrents.

I've made some great friends through blogging and can't wait until I'm able to attend a BlogHer conference to see some of the "celebs" in person.

[Felix Gerena]

Hi, Jory. There must be some kind of "commenting anxiety" in every bloggers mind. I have also gone through thoughts like those. But I soon realized people like me most when I treat them as I treat the rest of my friends. I´d like to think it is naturality. It does not mean answering everyone but it means being in touch and enjoying the relationship.

I think you do it very well. I feel comfortable when I get an e-mail from you and perhaps that´s the best I can say from any blogger.

[Denise]

Jory, I'm having trouble getting past the old fart you use to work for. Thanks for bringing back memories and making me smiel today.

But more importantly, about the comments. You've also opened up the can of worms in my own world with this entry. I can't figure out the answer! Probably because there is more than one answer and that drives me insane. There should be a rule and there isn't. But then again, if there was a rule, would it be one I would want to follow? Argh! Complications, always complications!

I respond to most comments on my personal blog. I do not email folks who post on my personal blog. From a professional standpoint - I've not yet found the formula that works for me. I'm still thinking... and thinking...

I can tell you, whatever I do, it won't be as formal as the old fart would like!

[Love Coach Rinatta]

Jory, thanks for telling me what I need to do, as I was just struggling with this issue, being a "baby" bloger. I tend to ignore comments and only reply when there is a direct question. But then it's not really a conversation, as you said - good point. Question is - how do you deal with all that extra email you have to respond to? I know. I will create an automated reply - "thanks for your comment. I read it, appreciated it and am thinking about it." I was kidding on that, but really would that be so out of the question?

[Dick Richards]

Self-flagellation and watching TV! Zounds, woman, don't let blogging drive you to THAT desperate state. I almost didn't comment because I didn't want to contribute to any destructive behavior on your part. On the other hand, if I didn't comment, you might feel unloved and unworthy of even my meager thoughts. What a muddle! What to do? What to do? I certainly do not wish any harm on the fabulous Jory!

Should I preview before posting or just go ahead and send this mess into the blogosphere? I wonder what's on the tube right now (feel free to ignore this comment).

[jen]

The email thing first. I'm usually more formal with people I don't really know but just deal with through work, and then I reply with a one word answer to close colleagues which is fine by them.

Like you I have trouble with the Thanks emails sometimes. I appreciate the 'Thanks for your stirling effort to get this job done' type email but if it's just a run of the mill thanks then it's a waste of my inbox space.

I wrote an email to a friend a little while ago, just launching straight into my question and she paid me out for not saying hallo at the beginning of it. A bit like the old fart thing, although I wouldn't call my friend an old fart. I go the other way now with my salutations to her both on the phone and via email.

As for comments. I don't expect a reply to comments I make but it's sure nice to get one just via email. Your mum is fantastic for doing this and consequently I feel we've struck up a virtual friendship because of it. I've appreciated other replies I've had also (including from you) although I don't expect them. This, to me, is part of what I like blogging to be. I must say though that I don't get heaps of comments so the offline email thing isn't too arduous.

[Account Deleted]

Different things work for different people. I always send an email thank-you to anyone who comments - even if they flame me :-) Pretty brief, usually one or two lines. When I think the reply to the commenter would advance the conversation/be interesting to my other readers, I also post the comment on the blog. And I tell the original commenter that the message is also going on the blog, so they can respond there if they want.

[Denise]

OK Susan made a good point, I do always send email (if I can track down an email address) if I get a flame or a comment that sounds even a wee bit disgruntled. (Happens rarely because I'm always right or maybe because I am not doing much blogging about controversial topics. Let's see what happens when I blog for choice this weekend, though. :-) )

[JoeBro]

Hoooooraaaayyyy comments!!

[Jane]

I've never gotten into the habit of offline responses to comments, but I'll respond within the same comments thread if a comment seems to call for it. I've often wondered if that makes some of my readers feel left out, but it's really all I have time to do.

[Donna]

Another beautifully thought out post, Jory.

I love receiving comments and try to respond to them (although there are times I'm just so swamped it doesn't happen). I do have Typepad set to email them to me, so the easiest thing is to reply back -- but sometimes I'll cut and paste the reply into a new comment, especially if I think it will further the conversation.

[Chris Owen]

Hmm
For a few paras, i wondered where we were going here Jory and then I GOT it.
Having read all these comments, boy have you tapped into the collective blogconscious.
My personal preference is the email follow-up. i love the way i get to make new friends from writing back to comments left on my blog. it's just another netwroking extra bonus to blogging!!

[Marilyn]

Anyone whose blog I've been reading for any period of time knows I'm a prolific commenter...on others' blogs. I have RARELY (twice?) left a comment on my own blog...and then only for clarification. I'm not good about emailing, so comments are my emails most of the time. And I only reply (via email) to someone's comment for the reasons you outlined above in nos. 2 and 3. I get annoyed at work when I send an email that's clearly an FYI and the recipient sends one back saying "Thanks." No need! Stop filling up my IN box! :)

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