Beholden Woman Syndrome (Lesson 2): Learning to Ask for What You Want, and Learning to Get It

When I was a kid my grandmother took me to see Santa Claus. I actually had no desire to see the man; I knew that the local department store wouldn’t have the real Santa. Still I knew that Nana wanted me to meet St. Nick and get the requisite Polaroid shot of me on his lap, so I pulled up my knee socks and went.

As expected, the line wrapped around the toy department. I could see Mr. Claus in the distance, talking to whoever was first in line. He sat in a very large sleigh that was high off the ground; a kid had to really stretch to make it up each step and get inside. The sleigh seemed more like a stage; the wooden vessel was lit with photographer’s lamps, making each kid feel like he or she was in a spotlight. As the line grew shorter, I grew more nervous, not with eager anticipation but with dread.

Finally it was my turn. I climbed up the sleigh and sat down next to the hulking man that was hired to be Santa. He had the “Ho Ho Ho’s” down to a tee. We turned toward Nana for a snapshot and then got down to business.

“So young Miss,” he said to me, “what do you want for Christmas?”

I remember thinking that he left out a line, the one asking if I had been good that year. I had been good, of course, save for a few slapping matches with my sister. My grades were stellar; I had even won the perfect attendance award that year. Maybe this was the real Santa, and he had known all that stuff already.

It seemed like my moment to really go for it. Hell, the kid before me couldn’t shut up about all of the outrageous crap he wanted—an Atari, one of those Big Wheels that looked like a race car. The kid before him even brought his list. All of this struck me as presumptuous. If Santa really did exist, he would already know what toys the kids wanted, and he would know if they deserved to get them. It seemed beneath me to simply ask for what I wanted. Good things came to good little girls.

It would seem, then, that my tendency toward relying on divine intervention to get what I wanted started quite early; there was some underlying belief that I had to bust my ass to even get a playing piece on the board of life, and that some man ultimately decided if I would pass go. Like Santa, he ultimately held the bag.

I turned to Santa and said, “I don’t know….a walkie talkie?” I already had a walkie talkie set, but I had to say something, and that gift didn’t seem too extravagant. It even had a practical use around the house, in case my mother couldn’t find me.

On the way back to the car I felt like I’d wasted my moment; I wanted a do-over. In the end it didn’t really matter, I always got more than I could ever want for Christmas. My mother overindulged us during the holidays; it was almost embarrassing having kids come over and see all of the baubles and newfangled electronics that we’d gotten for being good, and for being bad. For just being her kids.

Life doesn’t work that way anymore. You won’t have someone to pick up the slack for you should you not ask for what you want. As obvious as this sounds, I think it’s not so apparent to women. We figure that, if we stick it out and perform—at work and in our relationships—what we want and deserve will become blatantly obvious.

But even if the waters did part before us and a voice from above said that we’d been the very best beings on Earth and could receive our deepest desire, chances are we’d ask for something else. Something that sounded generous, magnanimous, and self-sacrificing.

I could see my mother eyeing the parted waters, bathed in light, being asked the question. She’d get that look on her face that she always gets when the attention is turned on her, one of appreciation and discomfort. She’d take a minute and then say, “You know, I saw the cutest little red outfit in Baby Gap. It would be adorable on Bella (her granddaughter).”

Likewise my sister would say about her deepest desire, “I want my daughter to be healthy and happy, and maybe add the same outfit but in blue, but only if there’s extra wish fulfillment. Otherwise, just health is fine.”

My brother, on the other hand, would look at the light and say “Let’s start with the next season of The Sopranos on video. If you pull that off we’ll work on something tougher, like world peace.”

The point is many women are really not good at asking for what they want, even if they are asked, so imagine how bad we are at it when no one cares what we want, and we have to assert ourselves to get it.

Even those women who seem self-assured and have no problem asking for what they want typically ask within a limited realm of possibility: She may demand a raise of $10k, but her male counterpart already makes $20k more than she does.

Recently my boss granted everyone two weeks of vacation—in addition to our current vacation allotment—at the end of the year. He had already been very generous with vacations, I thought. All employees were allowed four weeks a year, not counting holidays. I had planned to use up the rest of my vacation days the last two weeks of the year and now found myself with two weeks that I still had to use.

“Cool!” my boyfriend said. “Tell him you’re taking a few days in January and we’ll extend our vacation.”

In my mind that was taking too much, “But he’s already given us two weeks of vacation time. I’ll just drop those other days. I can’t imagine he’d want me to take off a full six weeks next year.”

Jesse’s response, “Get over it! You’re not even asking for those days, you’ve been given them!”

When I discussed the situation with my mother the conversation was decidedly different.

“You can’t take all those days in one lump!” she said. “It just wouldn’t be…right.”

And therein lays the difference. We know we’re supposed to appreciate those Calgon moments, accept flowers and jewelry, and indulge in Haagen Dazs every so often; but women have a running meter of niceties, bonuses and favors they are allowed in any one calendar year. If we get any more than that we start to question ourselves.

Feeling deserving is a learned skill for many women, and humility is men’s lesson. Some years ago I wrote an article comparing women’s negotiating skills with men’s when asking for a raise. A study had been conducted that showed that women who had accomplished more technically than their male counterparts asked for less money than men. In cases where performance was equal, women rated their skills far lower than men did theirs. In fact, the men commonly overstated their skills as they compared to their actual job performance.

There’s something commendable about this, girls. Women on the whole don’t like to oversell, whereas men have a tendency to promise outcomes that they can’t fulfill. I think of past bosses I’ve had that were men, particularly the aggressive, ambitious type, and how I struggled to keep my mouth shut when they forecasted outcomes that were near impossible. At the time, the troops loved hearing these outcomes and were excited, but the resentment that later resulted from feeling duped and disillusioned, and the lost confidence, almost doubled the negative impact. My female bosses, on the other hand, while more cautious and more apt to celebrate the small victories, slowly built morale with cautious optimism.

Still, what if women were so confident about their cautious optimism that they brought their more balanced points of view into the spotlight? Boasted about it, even. Used men’s self-congratulatory methods to accomplish a win for the X chromosome team. Companies would have their sights set on much longer-term growth. Corporate executives wouldn’t feel compelled to cook the books to make their numbers. People would cooperate more rather than using their colleagues as stepstools on their way to limited top positions. Businesses would be more like healthy ecosystems, small utopias.

But, alas, I’m getting carried away. There is still much more work to be done. And it starts with women asking for what they want. You see? It’s not ABOUT YOU, it’s about women in general. It’s about getting what you want and being an example to the other women. It’s about sitting on your boss’s, your husband’s, your male landlord’s lap (figuratively in most cases) and unfolding that little scrap of paper you’ve been keeping in your pocket—the one that’s frayed and soft from your sweaty palms, and DECLARING what you want.

And if he looks surprised, ask him when he thinks he can deliver. You’ve been good, you’ve been not-so-good. You deserve it.

Comments

[Joy DJ]

GUILTY! This was OUTSTANDING....my very good girl! Mom -xo-

how do you remember what you want? b4 the kids, b4 the husband? b4 the 9 to5?

[Dustin]

Jory, on behalf of all men I would like to say, "Ouch! Please take the knife out of my back."

Do you really think this is a problem limited to women? Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I am constantly second guessing what I am worthy to receive... even if I earned it.

Still, entertaining read.

[genevieve]

Jory you have a cool ma there.
It's a shame anyone waits to be asked what they want actually - the more of you who start asking, the easier it is for everyone to bring what they want into open discussion - I hope.

[susan]

hello jory,

well you've hit the nail on the head of the selfish men.
women spend a good part of their lives finding out what every one else on the planet wants.

saying what you want is helping release your creativity and not confine it to releasing your productivity.

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