Marriage: A Realistic Look

I’ve been to a lot of weddings lately.

During times like these us singles just can’t help but think about our own impending day. Not like I have any expectations; any I can ADMIT to anyway. As I was getting ready for one of the weddings we went to, two weeks ago, my boyfriend made a grand announcement:

“Just so you know,” he said, “I HATE diamonds. I think they are ugly and part of a conspiracy by the diamond industry to force people to believe they can only show their love by buying overvalued rocks.”

He left me, clipping my ears with fake pearls, perplexed.

“Cripes, tell him to get over it,” said one of my girlfriends. “Diamonds are one of the most durable precious stones in the world. It can withstand almost anything, like a marriage should—get it?”

There are more precious materials, my b-friend Jesse says, like amber, the fossilized resin that in some cases is millions of years old. I suppose, should that special day come, when he asks me to be his and hands me a hemp-lined box with a hunk of amber, I should be pleased: He’s asking me to enter a life of hardened-yet-malleable bliss. Something a bit more realistic than diamonds, which despite their origins actually sound a bit artificial to me, like some washed-up, Botoxed starlet—they can take repeated beatings and still retain a time-defying luster.

Most of the people who are getting married are friends of mine in their 30s who met less than a year before deciding to get hitched. Jesse, who’s still in his 20s, doesn’t understand this.

“They have all the time in the world!” he said.

“Actually,” I replied, “they don’t. There’s the whole kid thing and buying property thing that usually comes with getting married. All the tax advantages!”

I didn’t get into the more psychological reasons, after all I’m in my 30s and it would seem like I’m angling. But I do understand how my friend John met Jill in a yoga class and ten months later “just knew.” Or how another friend of mine met his wife, had a decent initial conversation with her and decided that if there were no strange ticks, criminal records or bad blood tests that presented themselves in the few months that followed, he would be ready.

My friend Frieda got engaged after five months of being with her beau (he’d asked her to marry him after two, but she took three months to respond). After meeting three decades’ worth of schmoes, and surviving the countless stories of woe told by friends who had met schmoes, she’d certainly become qualified to know, in a fairly short amount of time, that the man she was dating was not a schmoe.

I could tell he was The One when Frieda called me from Chicago and told me she had been seeing someone, “and he’s pretty cool.” Women like me and Frieda, who have been burned by getting too effusive about men too soon, don’t describe JUST ANYBODY that way. They have to earn a “cool” designation.

“Cool” means “has potential.”

“Cool” means “calls back and shows interest”.

“Cool” means “wouldn't deny I slept with him”.

“Cool” means “has running water and electricity, consistently”.

“Cool” means “can introduce to friends and know they won’t have to pretend to like him.”

“Cool” means “for some strange reason, seems entranced by me, despite what aspects of me might jiggle, annoy, or even repulse at times.”

Cool is a big deal.

Somewhere in one’s 30s we start looking for something very different than we did when we were in our 20s—at least those of us who made it to our 30s still single.

We don’t look for impressive resume.

We don’t look for impressive genetic material.

We don’t even necessarily look for hair.

Though all of the above are nice to have.

We look for cool. And when we find it, why wait?

And yet there’s another side to this as well: if we DON'T find cool we CAN wait. Hell, we got this far. Why share a bathroom with someone you don’t adore? My friend Margo says it beautifully:

“I love my own company. Unless I meet someone whose company I enjoy as much as my own, who needs him?”

Mt friend Erin observed, after being a bridesmaid in roughly 50 weddings, after witnessing the birth of six nieces and nephews and small countries-full of friends’ kids, and after handing out 1,876,988 pieces of Kleenex to friends whose relationships/marriages failed, the whole institution has lost bit of its luster. Marriage has been demoted from the “Have to Have” to the “Could be Nice to Have” list.

I’m not too busted up over the notion of never being married. I hover over the proposition like I would a swimming pool at night wondering, how would it feel if I jumped in? Is there enough water in there to help me float? Is there any flotsam or jetsam that will snag on and drag me down?

Regardless of the answers I promised myself that if by some as-yet-undetermined point I have not taken the plunge, I will register myself with Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, and all the other usual suspects. After buying enough simple China and Henckels knives off friends’ registries to open my own eatery in Soho, I DESERVE to celebrate my marriage to self-accepting singlehood.

I’ll even spring for the diamond ring.

Comments

[Don The Idea Guy]

Very funny book dealing with the topic of living a single life amidst married:
http://tinyurl.com/4vjkg
~D.

[Your other half]

I really enjoyed your article--especially the part about getting a hunk of rock someday. The good news about having a South African brother-in-law is that we can set you up quite nicely with a diamond to die for. --Your other half

[frieda]

Well put! I am a HUGE fan of the "I'm not getting married/not having a baby" shower; I had one for myself last year, registering at Target and everything. It was cathartic, not to mention completely fun! I feel a tad guilty registering again this year for the wedding. Ultimately, though, I felt it would be unfair to Aaron to cheat him out of the experience. Ya, right.

[frieda]

Well put! I am a HUGE fan of the "I'm not getting married/not having a baby" shower; I had one for myself last year, registering at Target and everything. It was cathartic, not to mention completely fun! I feel a tad guilty registering again this year for the wedding. Ultimately, though, I felt it would be unfair to Aaron to cheat him out of the experience. Ya, right.

[progenitor]

been reading your stuff, please tell jesse that the only people who think amber is more valuable than diamonds are Lithuanians like my friend Tolius what is his last name?

[geri]

A lot of people agree that partners should wait before marrying. The waiting period is a phase wherein you learn if you two are really ready to get married or not. I sort of agree and disagree to that. You SHOULD wait, but not because you have to weigh if you could stand being together for a long time. You decided to get married; that's enough reason that you should get married because you wouldn't think of marriage if you weren't ready for the responsibilities.

[Erin Dickins]

I also enjoyed reading the article. All of us women of course like to get married in time. But how long should it take you to get married? How long of courtship and how long should a girl and a boy be in a boyfriend/girlfriend stage before they settle down? Some factors should be considered on this like: are you physically stable, emotionally stable, and financially stable?

is there any help after a failed marriage