Embracing the Other Woman

I'm not competitive, was my motto. I was such a believer in this stance that I even wrote an article about it a few years ago, bemoaning how I gave up my three-sport-status in high school for dancing because I just wasn't a competitor.

I wasn't lying; I wasn't yet aware of the truth: I wanted to be la Premiere, the Alpha Female, the Queen Bee. I didn’t quit those three sports because I wasn’t competitive, more the opposite: If I wasn't the best in those three sports I didn’t want to be on the team.

I can see why I covered this up with claims of not being competitive. It isn't very ladylike, wanting to kick everyone's ass. Back in college I used to get a cheap thrill out of watching The Ricki Lake Show. My sister, Julie, watched it too, she said, for its “sociological insights into the value system of Middle American women” (she can talk this way—she’s an academic, a “genderist,” if you took women’s studies at Brown). She would watch one of Ricki’s female guests attempt to scratch/slap another women guest who, not coincidentally, was screwing the first guest’s boyfriend, Baby Daddy, whatever, and she would cluck, "They are embarrassments to women, really."

Of course they were. But at least they didn't shrink to the competition, or pretend that there wasn’t any. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't credit Ricki with being a liberator of women (in fact Ricki, the fat-girl-gone-media-sellout, was a true exploiter of women’s subordination; she ain’t Oprah) but there was something fascinating about witnessing--before "brawling bitches" became de riguer on talk shows--women not afraid to compete.

My boyfriend, Jesse, once asked me what I would do if a woman tried to come on to him in front of me.

“I’d let her,” I said. “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.” It was the autonomous, self-confident thing to say, but by the look on his face I could see it wasn’t the “right” answer.

“Really?” he said. “I was hoping you would fight for me.”

Me? Scratching, biting, kicking some wench who couldn’t keep her paws off my man? As if!

And yet, if this woman had tried to, say, compete with me for a job, or a published piece, or intellectual credit she’d have to (figuratively, of course) pull out those numchucks and get into pose, we’d have a real brawl on our hands. I’m no different than the women that were on Ricky Lake; I just have a white-collar justification for my ire.

I really enjoyed Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill series, not for the stylistic flair or irreverence for vintage martial arts flicks. I liked that he made the hero a heroine and created a metaphorical context for women’s inner desire to conquer.

I say this knowing that women are on all ends of the conquering continuum. I think of David Deida’s model of Sexual Essence: Some women exhibit more masculine traits on this continuum and exhibit more of a tendency to conquer or control, some exhibit less. Don’t simplify the model and assume that a woman with a lot of masculine essence and a man with a lot of the feminine are gay. Sexual preference isn’t necessarily an indicator of where you stand on masculine or feminine sexual essence. Even with queer couples, one partner is typically more masculine, and the other more feminine.

Let me throw out an outrageously stereotypical characterization to help illustrate this concept more clearly: On the feminine pole of the continuum are the “girly girls,” they like to shop, go to the ladies room in packs, and they prefer men who like to be in charge. On the masculine pole are “manly men,” who like physical activity, solipsistic journeys to the mountains, and women who like men to be in charge.

Another example that will bring this closer to home: On the more masculine side of the continuum--Teresa Heinz Kerry; on the feminine side, Laura Bush.

Women closer to the masculine pole may have some masculine tendencies--thinking instead of feeling, large ambition--and men closer to the feminine may be more in-tune with their intuition and stronger communicators than men with less feminine essence.

Men who are closer to the feminine on the continuum are more attracted to women who are closer to the masculine. I don’t think Jesse was suggesting that I get into a catfight with someone to prove my love for him. I think he was saying that he’s attracted to some of my masculine qualities and wondered, if pressed to exhibit them, would I?

In the past I would have argued that there were none to exhibit. I’m a woman’s woman. Women like me and I like them. The girly girls, that is. But what if I was confronted with another female like me, one with similar, masculine-oriented placement on the male-female continuum? Would I finally be confronted for the competitor that I am? Would I scratch and claw my way to supremacy? Would she?

I would soon get my chance to find out.

Stay tuned for the next installment of “Embracing the Other Woman", or, “Jory vs. Ginger,” or, “Will Sugar and Spice Make Nicey Nice?”

Comments

Are we being literal here? Because as far back as I can remember....you have always handled situations with words....and thank you for that. I'd much prefer that you threw a barrage of words at someone than punches...that's never been your style. Just the right words usually win every time...and they make more of a lasting impression. -Joy (Mom)

Posted by: Joy DJ | October 09, 2004 at 05:37 PM